My modern day version of Hansel and Gretel.

[Qsmash]

I had to do this for a writting assessment in computer discovery.

Hansel and Gretel


Hansel and Gretel were walking through their neighborhood when they got lost in another neighborhood. They were following the breadcrumbs but a crackhead was eating the crumbs right off of the ground. They tried to call home on their cell phones buy their batteries were dead. They got really hungry, that's when they noticed the candy store on the corner of the street. They went into the candy store to steal some candy, when the lady that worked there gave them free candy. They ate as many candy as they could eat. They ate Snickers, Twix, Skittles, and Jolly Ranchers. The lady that worked there gave them all of the candy off the walls. They soon got really full and couldn't eat anymore. Then the lady locks the door and charges Hansel and Gretel for all the candy they've eaten, and if they didn't payoff their money she would make them permanent workers at the store. She said that they couldn't leave until they have earned enough money by working in the store. The two soon got homesick and tired of working. Hansel and Gretel had to sleep in the back of the store. They tried multiple escape attempts, but they all failed. Hansel was finally making enough money. When he showed the lady his stack of money she decided to make him a permanent worker anyway. They soon realized that they would be permanent workers if they didn't get out of the candy store. Then they got an idea that if they could make a contract that would set t hem free that they could finally go home. So they gave the contract to the lady and tried to trick the lady to sign the contract. She signed it and then Hansel and Gretel told the lady what the contract said. She was shocked at what the two had done, but she still had the key and she wouldn't let them out. That's when they realized what they had to do. They had to take the key and get out. Their plan was to have Hansel hold the lady down and to have Gretel take the key. When their plan took into action, Hansel was struggling trying to hold down the lady while Gretel was searching here for the key. Gretel found the key and rushed to the door. That's when lady broke free from Hansel's hold and rushed to stop Gretel. Gretel was shaking with anxiousness while trying to open the door. She got the key in with the shop lady right behind her. She turned the knob and while she was turning the knob, the police broke through the door! Everyone was in shock when six police members broke into the store. They held down the shop lady, handcuffed her and through her in the police car. The police found out about the two that had gone missing when they saw the missing flyers that their friends put up. Then they saw Hansel and Gretel through the window of the candy shop. The two were relieved to finally be able to go home. With the shop lady getting two years in jail for disobeying child labor laws the children when home to be reunited with their parents.

The End

What do you think? I spent two days on this.

[Red]

......o_0.

[Qsmash]

A+ Right? ;D

[Red]

A+ Right? ;D

If it wasn't for the misspellings, yes, A+.

[mecha_fang]

NEEDZ MOAR RAEP

[Zovistograt]

needs moar proofreading

[Qsmash]

Yeah, I hope she doesn't take off for spelling. :P

[major tom]

I won't read that.

GIANT PARAGRAPH CRITS OVER 9000.

[Steal]

Try to keep the tense consistent, when you switch from past tense to present tense mid sentence, it gets confusing. It could use a lot more detail too.

Also, split it into separate paragraphs, it'll make it less disjointed and easier to follow.

In other words, it sucks. Fix it.

[CuccoGuy]

I had to do this for a writting assessment in computer discovery.

Hansel and Gretel


Hansel and Gretel were walking through their neighborhood when they got lost in another neighborhood. They were following the breadcrumbs but a crackhead was eating the crumbs right off of the ground. They tried to call home on their cell phones buy their batteries were dead. They got really hungry, that’s when they noticed the candy store on the corner of the street. They went into the candy store to steal some candy, when the lady that worked there gave them free candy. They ate as many candy as they could eat. They ate Snickers, Twix, Skittles, and Jolly Ranchers. The lady that worked there gave them all of the candy off the walls. They soon got really full and couldn’t eat anymore. Then the lady locks the door and charges Hansel and Gretel for all the candy they’ve eaten, and if they didn’t payoff their money she would make them permanent workers at the store. She said that they couldn’t leave until they have earned enough money by working in the store. The two soon got homesick and tired of working. Hansel and Gretel had to sleep in the back of the store. They tried multiple escape attempts, but they all failed. Hansel was finally making enough money. When he showed the lady his stack of money she decided to make him a permanent worker anyway. They soon realized that they would be permanent workers if they didn’t get out of the candy store. Then they got an idea that if they could make a contract that would set t hem free that they could finally go home. So they gave the contract to the lady and tried to trick the lady to sign the contract. She signed it and then Hansel and Gretel told the lady what the contract said. She was shocked at what the two had done, but she still had the key and she wouldn’t let them out. That’s when they realized what they had to do. They had to take the key and get out. Their plan was to have Hansel hold the lady down and to have Gretel take the key. When their plan took into action, Hansel was struggling trying to hold down the lady while Gretel was searching here for the key. Gretel found the key and rushed to the door. That’s when lady broke free from Hansel’s hold and rushed to stop Gretel. Gretel was shaking with anxiousness while trying to open the door. She got the key in with the shop lady right behind her. She turned the knob and while she was turning the knob, the police broke through the door! Everyone was in shock when six police members broke into the store. They held down the shop lady, handcuffed her and through her in the police car. The police found out about the two that had gone missing when they saw the missing flyers that their friends put up. Then they saw Hansel and Gretel through the window of the candy shop. The two were relieved to finally be able to go home. With the shop lady getting two years in jail for disobeying child labor laws the children when home to be reunited with their parents.

The End

What do you think? I spent two days on this.

Yup. Sounds like an A+! :)