The union

[Phantom123]

I wrote a series of short "letter to the editor" type spoofs of nintendo characters a while back. Be warned, I am not censoring this. I will post more if requested.
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Bowser calls his Union
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Dear Nintendo,

I've never been a big complainer, ya know? Always the stoic type, accepting defeat after defeat from a middle-aged, over-weight plumber, so you can wear your thong made of pure gold, and buy yourself those nights out with Peach and Zelda. But seriously, who the hell told you it was okay to intercourse  with my go-kart?

You know what I'm talking about. That poopty excuse for a vehicle I drive in the new Mario Kart Wii. Yeah, the one that looks like it was built for a 3 year old girl with anorexia. Now, I don't think you've stopped looking at your farm of cash cows long enough to notice, but I'm 90 intercourse ing tons heavy. I look at that thing, and it breaks down. And don't even get me started on your "motorcycles". I saw Wario trying to ride his yesterday, to prepare for the April debut. He farted, and the intercourse ing gas tank blew up. Last I saw him, he was heading straight for the intercourse ing moon.

Speaking of shoddy craftsmanship, what about my god darn castle?! Every game. EVERY FUCKING GAME. Someone up and blows it to pieces. Hell, it wouldn't even be that bad if I could REBUILD IT. But no. That would make sense. Instead, I have to go to some 2 story tall house made of card-board, and wait for the druggy bastard *You didn't notice? Those mushrooms sure as hell aren't medicinal*, to come and kill me, knocking me into a pit of lava.

Actually, that's not even trouble. I'm a dragon beast... thing, and I'm fine with lava. Oh wait, THAT DOESN'T FIT WITH YOUR IDEA OF A HERO WINNING! What the hell was with that New Super Mario Bros. game? First boss battle of the game, I fall into lava. Nothing special. But wait! Then you pit my intercourse ing kid, A GOD DAMN MINOR WHO DIDN'T EVEN SIGN A CONTRACT WITH YOU BASTARDS, AND ISN'T PAID, against that turd for 6 more levels. I finally reappear, as a skeleton. A skeleton. I'm now a 90 ton dry-bones, thanks to you poop holes and your hatred of continuity.

Actually, the continuity is pretty good. You kill me off in some way that would totally NEVER hurt me *Again, I'm a intercourse ing dragon... thing, whatever I am. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS. It may be hard, I know, but your poop hole is big enough to fit it all.*. Then, you revive me three stages later, and expect me to repeat it all for your sakes, so you can iron your wallets with intercourse ing diamonds? Sorry, but it's not working.

Oh, and before I leave. I know I've been kinda crazy at all those parties you throw, and generally become the enemy, but... WHERE THE FUCK DID I GET KIDS? I swear, you musta drugged me or something, because I wake up one day to 8 little ninnyes asking for toys and, god forbid, food, and then, a few years later, ANOTHER ONE pops up! I keep having nightmares that Birdo is the father... Mother... Whatever the hell it is!

Fuck you,
Bowser

[Silverhawk79]

ITT: Bowser has Tourette's.

[Phantom123]

As per the lulz the staff is planning, here are the rest, in a disturbing number of double posts o.o
----Fox calls his Union----
Heya Nintendo...

I know we've never been the best of friends. I mean, I wanted to be the greatest pilot in the Lylat system, and you wanted me to be a cheap Legend-of-Zelda rip-off. However, I see no reason why we can't be friends. I mean, sure, you've raped my franchise, which used to be one of the most popular among hard-core gamers, into the ground with the horrible idea that I knew how to walk, but I feel we can get along, assuming you are willing to meet a few of my admittably reasonable demands.

First off, No more Slippy. I have to be honest, ever since you started allowing us to talk more then just the gibberish of my first game, I've been scared poopless of Slippy's voice. I've been frightened that, if I ever felt safe enough to go to sleep, he'd be there... Laughing... And that he'd take off my clothing while I slept, and proceed to rape me almost as hard as you have. But, if you get rid of him *And giving him a girl-friend was NOT enough. I still think it was a thinly-veiled lie, and that they were both queers in hiding* then we might all be able to live beyond the terror of yester-year.

Second off, Falco. Is not. A wimp. Me and my buddy Falco are tight, and he's annoyed with the way you have turned him into a god-darn vagina-y. I met Falco back in college, and we've been rum-buddies ever since. Back then, he was a kick-ass pilot whose word was the final one in a dog-fight, and who could be trusted at all times. But lately, despite his constantly assuring me that he was gone for good, you keep forcing him to wimp back in with us, to his disgust. Birds have back-bones *I think*, let him make his own decisions without turning him into a vagina-y.

Thirdly, I can't believe what you did to Krystal. She was a fine piece of Foxy-ass, and probably my only consolation in knowing that my first Gamecube adventure was just a cheap consolation prize for people who get a hard-on at guys in green tu-tu's. You are giving her to that bastard Star Wolf?!? What the hell, guys. What the intercourse ing hell. It's hard enough to sleep with the fear that Slippy will rape me, now you get rid of the one hot chick and turn the Great fox into a intercourse ing sausage factory? Really, programming ROB into a girl won't help you, I'm not into that kind of thing. GIVE ME BACK MY BABE.

Oh, and on the topic of Star Wolf... Why do my rivals have to be so intercourse ing wierd? I mean, I like that I am a great enough hero and pilot that it takes 3 guys just to get to a point where they can consider themselves rivals *Even if they are forever doomed to lose to my godly flight-powers*, but why didn't you give the creative designers their drugs before they invented those losers? I feel bad enough as is, and now I have a half-insane masochist lizard, a narcissistic panther, and the cockiest son-of-a-ninny to ever call himself the leader of a band of space bandits ever claiming they know me. First you get rid of Krystal, giving her to THESE... LOSERS, and now, I can't even find a replacement at any of the bars on Corneria, because these losers keep following me.

Finally, I'll ask one last thing of you, involving my games. I have taken the liberty, so as to help you to follow this demand, of placing my legs into the bomb-bay of the great fox, and having Peppy fly in circles until centripedal force ripped them off. just to make sure you've gotten the message, we had slippy remotely activate the bombs of the arwing once Peppy carried my stump away, disintegrating the remains. Please. KEEP ME IN MY ARWING, I CRIPPLED MYSELF JUST SO YOU WOULD. Now, I can't even use the bathroom without help from ROB. I did this ALL so you would just keep in off the land. PLEASE, DON'T LET ME DOWN.

Begging and pleading on all remaining 2's,

Fox McCloud

[Phantom123]

---Zero-suit Samus calls her union---
Um, Hello Nintendo...

So, I'm sure you know that, for the first time since that short cameo in Zero-mission, I've taken off my suit in combat, to see how strong I am without it. Thank you for unleash a world of pain on my life.

Ever since I first used that smash ball and took off my suit for ONE SILLY TRAILER, there has been no end to my misery. Wario, that pervert, stole my armor immediately! I can't revert anymore, and the wolrd at large thinks I'm just a whore!!! I can't believe the treatment I receive, as one of your oldest, and dearest supporters. I'm the star of arguably the only hard core franchise you have, and because of some idiot thinking "Zero Suit" was a good title, people won't stop calling me asking if I do bachelor parties!!!

Hell, I HAVE been doing bachelor parties. You don't pay me a darn cent. Last time I went for a paycheck, you assured me I'd get a great one after you released by N64 Title... Wait, I wasn't in a game for that piece of poop? Gee, No WONDER I haven't been paid. At least I supported you guys anyways! I trooped on through what I believe is the single most boring trilogy ever made, as people tried to compare me, a careful, gentle explorer, to a 9 foot tall demi-god in green armor who tries to kill everything that moves, and quite a bit that doesn't.

Speaking of a certain Chief associate of ours, I haven't stopped getting emails saying "OMG U R SO HAWT! MASTER CHIEF SHUD TTLY MAK BABEEZ WIT U!!". Me and the big guy are friendly, but the amount of porn showing us intercourse ing like wild dogs is not only disconcerting, but plain wrong.

Just to shout out to anyone who might see this, I AM NOT A WHORE. I DO PARTIES, BUT I'M NOT A WHORE. PLEASE STOP DRAWING THESE MONSTROSITIES WHERE IN I AM A WHORE. JUST INCASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, I AM AN ADVENTURING BOUNTY-HUNTER, NOT A WHORE. Just to clear up the discrepancy...

But, back to this Brawl game. So, Wario stole my suit of armor, and I've been getting threats from Zelda, who claims Link was ogling me. I had to slap that ninny five times and tell her "Well, he should, because I am one fine ninny" to get her to calm down. Then again, that was probably kinda hypocritical of me... I mean, I AM trying to get rid of all this negative attention that centers on my chest and my hips.

I guess it all draws from the fact that as a child, I was raised by bird people, who looked like statues. Actually, it has nothing to do with that, I just like the idea of people saying I'm sexy.

Never mind. I'm ok with my sexiness now. In fact, I am leaving Nintendo, effective immediately, to follow my secret dreams of being a porn star. I'll be taking my spare suit of armor with me, I am sure video of me stripping out of it slowly will be worth hundreds.

See you in Playgame-boy,

"Birthday Suit" Samus

[Phantom123]

This next one was pretty targeted at the audience it was written for, thus the specific cameo. Anyways, here it is o.o And if you didn't notice, most of these were Brawlers.

---Master Hand calls his union---
To whom ever it may concern at the Nintendo Headquarters,

Dear Nintendo, I think you've made a horrible mistake. I'm not a boss in Super Smash brothers. I don't know why you've done this horrible thing, but please, let me go. My brother, Glover, can't afford the ransom you've set, and if you make me a random boss in another Kirby thing, I don't think I'll live long enough for you to collect the money.

I come from a long line of Hands. As I've mentioned, my brother, Glover, was the star of a completely perfect video game that has never been matched, even by those starring me and my Drunkard son, Crazy Hand. In our glory days we even, by our own willingness to sign the contract, signed up as bosses in Super Mario 64 and it's DS remake! And yet, here I am. Kidnapped, and chained up by some blue guy.

Why do you do these things to me and my family? We've never hurt you! I was shanghai'd into slavery for the very first of the Smash brothers games. I even admit to having fun, despite the fact that you didn't pay me, and fed me only nail clippings and the leather from my glove material. But then, you HAD to bring my drunk son into the deal. He has no idea what the hell he's doing, and did NOT know that his contract held a binding clause on me too! I hold power of attorney over him, darnit! I am voiding that letter the second you let me out of this hell!!!

I... I am getting much to worked up... I'll just... I'll just let my attorney write the rest of the letter. I'm going to go form a fist, and rest...
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To you people whom will read this letter at Nintendo...

Hello, My name is Miles Edgeworth, Genius prosecutor. I'm here to write a notice of indictment to you, and to inform you that, as I quote the floating Hand guy who pays my check, "We're suing you for every intercourse ing dime you've got for kidnapping, witholding payment for services, slavery, and any other charge this guy in the pink, girly suit can pull out of his big intercourse ing as"--- WHAT?! HE SAID THAT ABOUT ME?! It's a burgundy-colored suit, and I am in shape, lacking a large ass!....

But yes, we'll be suing, and, during the suit, plan on thoroughly destroying the credibility of that signature from Mr. Crazy Hand. Oh, and we won't be settling. You have the right to a defense attorney. I've sent a nice friend of mine, a Mr. Wright, to defend you. Unluckily for you, while I am a multi-talented prosecutor, he only defends murder.

You are intercourse ed.

Signed, Sincerely, with reguards to your wife,
Miles Edgeworth

[Phantom123]

This one has a few Yugioh: The Abridged series jokes, because of the original audience :P So to some, this may pack a bit more lol-punch.

---Captain Falcon calls his Union---

Yo, Nintendo!...

...Long time no see! I'm gettin' kinda worried here. I mean, back in the day, we were snug as a gun in a holster (And I don't mean that as a thinly veiled sexual innuendo, thanks). I've even been spared your wrath, as some of my compatriots call it. To paraphrase some of the things told to me, "My franchise has yet to get grabbed by Nintendo, shoved up it's anus, and used to floss". And for this, I am greatful. But the, Nintendo, you've outright ignored me!

I am a great bounty hunter, but you always ignored me for that whore, Samus. I guess she was just preparing for her new career... But now that she has left you guys to pursue her dreams of being Mrs. Universal skankitty-slutslut, I figure you might JUST start giving me some for face-time and more games.

F-Zero X was great, and I can't imagine anyone who could forget the BREAK-NECK SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEED of my first game back on the Super Nintendo. F-Zero GX, and F-Zero AX *My Arcade equivalent* were trouble, though. I mean, you got me going faster, you got me going with better graphics... But you still put me into the single corniest plot ever. Remember the name of my villain? Deathstar or something? Yeah, I don't either. And yeah, Black Shadow is a vagina cleaning device, but since when did he gain rights as a villain to actually TOUCH my ship to put a bomb in it, without it being mid-race, as I push him off the track to his death?! Not cool, Nintendo. Not cool.

And of course, you haven't given me a game SINCE... What, 2003? The year is 2008 baby! What the hell do you think I've been doing since then? Sleeping? Well, I have, as a matter of fact. I'm kinda jobless. Well, except for the Smash Brothers series. And I've always kicked ass there, right?

WRONG. I drive the Blue Falcon, which is the fastest thing ever, so of course, in your game, that translates into good running speed. But Fox STILL runs faster, and he RIPPED OFF HIS FUCKING LEGS. Hell, even Sonic runs faster! I don't know if you have realized this, but I have lost all sense of speed I normally have in my other games. To put it easily, I AM GETTING OUT-RUN BY A PAIR OF FURRIES. THAT IS NOT OK. NOT OK AT ALL.

Ah... And then, that Snake guy! He has guns, Mines, a rockey-launcher, and hell, with the new final-smashes *By the way, mine does NOT do enough damage. I'm hitting someone with the Blue Falcon at 800 miles per hour, I should be getting some bills from funeral homes, not 40% damage and barely any knockback!*, HE gets a grenade launcher, and gets to blow the rest of us into tommorow!

And heck, look at his move set compared to mine or even the ho! I'm a bounty hunter, as is Ms. Talking-cleavage, while he is an international agent. He gets the aforementioned weaponry. Ms. Outback with-a-rack gets a suit of intercourse ing armor *Though she rips it off ridiculously often*, a power-cannon, missiles, and bombs. Heck, even without her suit, she has a gun *What the intercourse ! Where did she keep it in the armor? In between the breasts?!*, a whip, and apparently, boobs that defy gravity.

And what do I get? I get set on fire, and told to dance like a chimpanzee *Who by the way, has better moves then me*, and that I now have a moveset! I AM A BOUNTY HUNTER. I DON'T RUN AFTER PEOPLE ON FOOT, AND FALCON PUNCH THEM INTO SUBMISSION. I DO CARRY A FIRE-ARM. HELL, IT'S ON MY DAMN COSTUME. FUCK THE FALCON CHARGE AND GIVE IT TO ME!!! Actually, I suppose I should reword this. The Falcon punch is great, and that really IS how I subdue criminals, not with a fire-arm. But you forget, the FALCON PUNCH NEVER MISSES. EVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!!!!! And it can defy gravity much better then Ms. hard-core Whore. Need I remind you of a certain video on youtube depicting me unleashing the smack on a certain Black-shadow, where in, upon connecting with the punch, a massive explosion goes off, making a hole in the intercourse ing universe?

Yeah, and it STILL never misses.

Give me a better Brawl moveset, or I swear to God, I'll Final smash you so many times that eventually, you might actually get knocked off the stage, or at least auto-trip!

Hugs 'n Kisses,
Captain Falcon

[Light]

That last one was freakin' hilarious! XD Great job!!