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SSBB, Supspace Emissary

Started by Disturbed87, September 24, 2007, 03:47:40 AM

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Disturbed87


Chapter one: The Battle

Crack!

The short pink foot smashed into Mario's plump body, he then went soaring ten feet in the air and hit the cold ground hardly. The crowd started cheering at the violence that was being held at terra firma stadium.

terra firma was the official battlefield in the universe of Nintendo. It is said that only the people who terra firma are allowed to go heaven. As a ritual in terra firma, the winner of a fight always must always kill the person that he was fighting. To kill the person, the winner must put a transformer chip on the person so that he or she transforms to a trophy.

Mario got up slowly, already checking his new collections of bruises that he had. Mario breathed heavily as he started wiping off the blood that cascading down his forehead. He then wiped his bushy mustache a bit.

Mario's oppenent was very interesting. He was very small and pink. He only was a foot tall, and he had a very large unproportional mouth. He had little hands but his feet were reasonable size. He was some sort of puffball.

"Interesting" said the disgruntaled Mario.

"What do you mean" snapped the puffball.

Mario replied, "How can someone so small pack that much of a punch?"

"I trained a lot" replied the puffball.

Mario then asked, "What is your name and where do you come from?"

"I come from the planet Dreamland, my name is Kirby, warpstar warrior" replied Kirby.

Dreamland was a mid sized planet in the world of Nintendo. The main attraction at Dreamland was the Dream Fountain, without the Dream Fountain, there would be no dreams in this world.

"Well, let's continue our fight" said Mario, who then started running at Kirby.

Kirby quickly sidestepped the punch that Mario threw at him and tripped him. Mario, for about the fifth time, fell to the ground.

Mario then quickly jumped up and threw a hot fireball at Kirby. Kirby quickly dodged the molten ball and jumped at Mario aiming to kick at his head. Mario grabbed Kirbys legs and started swinging him around and around.

Mario then released him and Kirby went flying into the hard wall of terra firma.

Kirby then jumped upward and said outloud "I think it's time to use my special ability."

He then ran at Mario and opened his huge mouth. He started inhaling, but it wasn't your average inhale. Mario started flying near Kirby, trying to get a good grip, but instead Mario went flying into Kirby's mouth.

Mario started randomly kicking and punching everwhere trying to get out of Kirby's stomach. Saliva was sticking on his body and mustache as he tried to get free. He then saw Kirby start opening his mouth, Mario dived out really quickly.

Kirby was now wearing Mario's red cap. Mario quickly grabbed at his head, but instead of feeling thick hair as he expected to, he felt a cap two.

"What did you do?" asked Mario.

Kirby replied, "I stole your ability, why?"

"What the h*ll do you mean by that?" said Mario hastly.

Instead of saying anything, Kirby threw a fireball at him. Mario quickly sidestepped it and started throwing an array of fire at Kirby.

Kirby ducked the first two then jumped to dodge another two. Mario then ran at Kirby and punched right on the top of his head. As Kirby was falling to the ground, Mario did an arm thrust on him.

Bam!

Kirby's unconscious body fell to the hard ground. The crowd started cheering and started yelling "Trophify, Trophify"

Mario stared at a second at Kirby. Why must we kill others for our own amusement thought Mario as he stared at the small chip.

Mario threw the chip to the ground and stomped on it with all his might. He then slowly walked up to Kirby and kicked him slightly. Kirby got up and stared at Mario's beaten up head.

"What the crap is going on?" asked Kirby.

Mario replied, "I'm not in much of a trophy mood"

Before Kirby could reply. Someone in the crowd yelled "Look at the sky."

The normally cheerful sky was filled with blood red clouds. A ship started emerging through them. It was a big ship, with a metal face on the top. There were a bunch of turrets, but no people on it.

Kirby muttered to himself, "Metaknight!"

"Mario!" screamed a female in the crowd.

Mario looked up as a girl wearing a pink dress and golden crown with a bunch of assorted jewels ran up to him.

Mario yelled out, "Peach." They both ran up to eachother and hugged.

The ship was now right above the three people. Suddenly, purple specks started dropping down from the bottom of the ship. They fell softly to the ground and started twitching.

The specks started clumping together and started forming into miny human like stuff with square faces. The things were holding either a purple sword, or some type of gun.

Mario motioned Peach to get behind him. He knew there was going to be a battle.

"Wait!" cried out a female voice.

There was a flash of green light and a female appeared next to Mario, Peach, and Kirby.

Kirby said, "Four against a thousand, we got about about 1/100 chance of winning."

Mario grinned and then said, "Those are good enough odds for me friend."

Triforceman22

pretty good, except for one thing......
They shouldn't swear.....
Its not like mario to say hell.
Kirby doesn't say anything at all, but if he did, he wouldn't say crap......

oh well, it's your decision....
I will keep reading this.
Keep it up. :)


QuoteRobotnik: GET A LOAD OF THIS!!!!!!!!

Retronerd

#2

First let me help you with grammar. There are so many mistakes in this. You need to write it on Microsoft Word or something. And prove read it. Some grammar rules I don't know if you know them or not or just refuse to use them.

"Interesting," said the disgruntled Mario.

Every time someone ends there speech add a period, or a full stop or comma. This is to small to be a sentence so this time it's a comma. Also you spelled disgruntled wrong.

"What do you mean?" snapped the puffball.

Question mark here. If it wasn't a question it would be a full stop instead of a comma.

Kirby then jumped upwards and said out loud, "I think it's time to use my special ability."

Add it before as well. Out loud has a space.

Mario started randomly kicking and punching everywhere trying to get out of Kirby's stomach. Saliva was sticking on his body and mustache, as he tried to get free. He then saw Kirby start opening his mouth, Mario dived out really quickly.

As he tried to get free what happened? You mentioned "As" meaning an event happened. You should put the bold part first.

Kirby was now wearing Mario's red cap. Mario quickly grabbed at his head, but instead of feeling thick hair as he expected to, he felt a cap too.

It should be "too", not "Two".

Mario stared at a second at Kirby. Why must we kill others for our own amusement thought Mario as he stared at the small chip?

It's a question don't forget question marks.

"What the crap is going on?" asked Kirby.

Shouldn't it be "heck"?

Terra Firma was the official battlefield in the universe of Nintendo. It is said that only the people who Terra Firma are allowed to go heaven. As a ritual in Terra Firma, the winner of a fight always must always kill the person that he was fighting. To kill the person, the winner must put a transformer chip on the person so that he or she transforms to a trophy.
Places need capitals.

Now description: needs work. What did Terra Firma look like? I know people have seen pictures of it on the Brawl page. But still revise it. Look deeply into your mind and picture the scene. Describe every little detail you see.

The sign post covered in Ivy Plants, the ruff plain of mud, even the birds sitting on seats. Ok now that I described places lets do people. See were I'm coming from. Just keep doing it like that.

Let's say you explained them like a sketch. You add a basic picture but you didn't colour it in. You didn't add the buttons hanging onto Mario blue overalls by a mere thread. You didn't explain the vampire teeth Kirby had.

Nor did I feel the stadium. What did the main people look like? I'm sure you could explain about a random unique person in the stadium, or the hotdog seller.

Now characters. Why? You need to answer why to know them. Why are they fighting; pride, family issues, forced. I'm sure that they just going to me like, "Lets fight Kirby!"

There must be a reason. Even explain there thoughts. If someone gets hurt lets say Kirby, and Mario is a nice guy. He would sort of hide a tear that a friend got hurt. And say Kirby is evil, and Mario got hurt. He would be laughing his head off.

Plot seems to be starting. Well if you fix up the grammar improve the detail this could be a good story. I'll be there when you make the next chapter.

Sorry if I sounded harsh I have a habit of pointing out peoples bad points rather then there good. Here are your good facts.

Isn't in script, has a story begging to grow, fight was quite intense, a good way to make a story for Smash. If you have any concerns pm me.


Also you use Mario's and Kirby's name to much.

SUPER_BLONDE_GUY

Fun :O I lol'd at the 'Trophify!' part :D
Will Pit be in it?