Radiant Beginnings, the Introductions! a original story

[dawnwolfNxhoj]

hello, and thanks to whomever reads this. This is my 1st real attempt at typing, and I'll admit that this time is much better then my last attempt. Now to restart..,
1st, this is mainly a story to introduce my characters that I plan to use in a later story. It'll turn to a fanfic once it gets to that point.
2nd, I'd like to thank AuraChris for getting me to type again. I've taken some of your particular messages to heart, and will try what I can to separate myself from you.
3rd, I'm a bit retarded to be honest( few hits in to the head can do that), so I'm sorry if I've made any minor mistakes. If you could, please point these out.
Well, that'll be all for the intro summary. Now enjoy,
Radiant Beginnings, the Introductions! Chpt1: A Prank That Leads to a Fight

In the planet of Earth, around the continent of North America, in great city of Las Vegas, there were two certain groups of people who knew a single person, both groups being friends to this one person, namely a teenaged boy finishing his first year of high school.
It so happened that it was quite a special day today, but it is quite unfortunate that our teenaged boy, was ignoring his alarm clock, since today, the chains of the unknown would be broken today. But his alarm gone on, the boy still asleep, trying desperately, to ignore the constant ringing of his alarm, going,
"Cocka-doodle-doo!  Cocka-doodle-doo!  Cocka-,"
"Okay, I'm up already, shut up! Sheesh, stupid alarm clock."
The teenaged boy was rummaging around his side cabinet, looking for his alarm clock which was still, going off but eventually found it and turned the alarm off.
"Hmm, 7:15 what's today?"
He looked at his calendar to find it June 4th, Thursday. In the box, was "last test" and "last day of school".
"Oh, just the last day of- WHAT!? OH GOD! IF I'M LATE, I CAN'T TAKE THE TEST AND HAVE TO DO SUMMER SCHOOL!"
Our young teen threw off his bed sheet, jumped out of bed, and ran straight to his closet. While he was choosing his clothes, he was thinking why he had a sudden urge to introduce himself to an unknown force.
"Okay creepy unknown force, I'm Nxhoj, Nxhoj Notlem, a thin teenager with black hair, light tan skin, and blue eyes. And right now, I'm late for the most important test of my life! I'll talk more about myself while I'm getting to my school."
Replied the introduced character, Nxhoj. As he was rushing to get everything he needed, he saw that everyone in his house was still sleeping for some reason, but shrugged the idea off, not one taking chances when it was the future of his education in the balance.
He grabbed his cell phone, shot through the opened door and running as fast as his legs could go. As he was running, he had that urge again, this time, wanting to tell about himself.
Well, I am a pretty outgoing person and gamer, playing just about anything that catches my interest, reads just about anything ranging from fiction stories on the internet to manga, can cook up a pretty good meal, enjoy torturing my sister very occasionally, have a bit of a second personality, and, I have very unique friends, far too many to list."
Replied Nxhoj. He looked up at the closest street sign he could see, he found himself just across his school. When he looked at his school, what he found just made him surprised and angry, VERY angry. He was staring right at the school's great clock, it was reading 6:50 am.
"WHAT!? BUT MY ALARM CLOCK, IT SAID, IT SAID-"
He was suddenly interrupted by his cell, he grabbed and flipped it opened, not bothering to check who was calling.
"Hello?
"Nxhoj!  Where the heck are you right now?"
Said the older sister of Nxhoj, Ellenaj, Ellenaj Notlem. She was in her 3rd year of high school, was president of the school's Japanese club, and without the doubt, the greatest RPG gamer in the world. She was the 1st born in the Notlem two. Though she appears nice to people she meets, she can have the rage of 1,000 tigers, whether it's someone threatening or harming those close to her or someone that just mad her off.
An unfortunate habit of hers would be to counter whoever would oppose her, namely Nxhoj. Back on the phone, Ellenaj replied,
"You actually believed that it was 7:15 in the morning!? You stupid fool!  I was just getting back at you for playing Xenosaga 1 without my permission again. The time is really 6:50 now. And, hello? Nxhoj? Are you still on the phone?! HEY! ANSWER ME!"
Nxhoj was figuring out the time he really woke up, coming to the conclusion that it was 6:15 and let his jaw drop. Nxhoj was just standing there, in utter disbelief, holding the phone, and ignoring all of Ellenaj's yells of fury. It was about three minutes before Nxhoj actually replied to Ellenaj.
"HEY NXHOJ! IF YOU'RE STILL THERE, SAY SOMETHING!"
Nxhoj readjusted his phone so it was on correctly, and said something; it was almost like a whisper, the wind blowing through the patch of cherry blossom trees were louder.
"Oh you want me say something, dear sister? Well here's something."
He took in a deep breath, and yelled, enough to scare some birds in the cherry blossom trees away.
"YOU BETTER GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE AND BRING SOME MONEY TO GET SOME BREAKFAST! IF YOU DON'T, I'LL BE UNLEASHING MY WOLF STLYE OF MOM'S T.R. ON YOU BUTT, ENOUGH TO MAKE DAD'S STRENGHTH, LOOK WEAK!"
Of course Nxhoj however, was too blind by his own fury that he forgot his sister ALSO knew T.R. style kung-fu. Nxhoj did forget to mention that he was born from a long line of kung-fu experts who used T.R. or as it should be called, Tiger's Rage, a power that gives the user incredible strength, agility, durability, and increased senses.
This was from their mother's side of the family though; their father seemed to not have any knowledge of advanced kung-fu, other than basic martial arts. It was common for T.R. users to combine it with another style of martial arts, commonly animal styles and other common kung-fu styles. Well, let's get back to the conversation with Nxhoj and Ellenaj, shall we? Ellenaj replied,
"HA! YEAH RIGHT! JUST TRY ME AND MY STYLE OF KUNG-FU PLUS T.R. IT'LL MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY YOU WERE TAUGHT IT!"
Nxhoj was still in a seriously high mode of anger, so he made a blind bet with her. Nxhoj then replied,
"OKAY THEN, WE WILL HAVE A DUEL AFTER SCHOOL! THIS WILL DECIDE WHOSE STYLE HAS MORE SUPERIORITY THAN THE OTHER! THEN WE'LL SEE WHO THE BEST IS!"
Ellenaj quickly replied, saying,
"OKAY THEN LITTLE BROTHER! YOU'RE ON! AND YOU'LL BE PRATICALLY CRYING FOR MOM ONCE I'VE FINISHED UP BEATING UP YOUR-
She was suddenly cut off, because it sounded like someone else was trying to take the phone away from her. From Nxhoj's end, there were the sounds of things breaking and the sound of someone crying for mercy and to hand over the phone. After a few more bangs and hitting noises, someone finally talked on the phone, the voice belonging to a teenager older than Nxhoj, someone both Ellenaj and Nxhoj knew. A voice came up on the phone, saying,
"Oh god! Please Ellenaj, calm down! Just let me talk to him! Give me that phone!  Good girl, OH GOD PLEASE! SHOW MERCY I BEG YOU, SHOW MERCY! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The noises of breaking objects and crying were back on the phone again. It was a near five minutes until Nxhoj heard him again. When he talked, it was like he was trying to talk through a broken microphone. He said
"How can Nxhoj contend with her everyday of his life? Maybe he really is- Oh! The phone! Hello? Nxhoj!? Are you still on?!"
Nxhoj knew that the voice on the phone belonged to their friend Htes, Htes Gnow. Nxhoj and Ellenaj both known him since they were in middle school. He had a bit of a habit of communicating with them a tad too much, but overall, he was still a good friend. He does have a serious addiction to bodybuilding though. Back on the phone,
"HEY NXHOJ! ARE YOU STILL ON!? I'LL BE THERE WITH ELLENAJ IN A BIT! AND DON'T WORRY! REMEMBER BOB MARLY! GOOD BYE!"
"HEY WAIT! I STILL NEED TO-
The other line of the phone went silent.
"THAT BASTARD! I STILL NEEDED TO TELL ELLENAJ WHERE WE WILL FIGHT! I GUESS I NEED TO BEAT HIM UP TO! AND DAMNIT! I FORGOT TO TELL THEM WHERE I WOULD MEET THEM AT! YAAAAAAAH!"
Unbeknownst to Nxhoj as he was stomping towards the cherry blossom trees to wait for Htes and Ellenaj, there was a group of people hiding in an alleyway close to the school. One of them had there lips curl up into a smile, which moved as he said,
"Oooooh, it seems Nxhoj is going to be in a fight with his sister. This couldn't be better, now we can take care of that bastard and that ninny of a sister down."
Many of the people were cheering for this idea, since the reason they wanted to take care of Nxhoj cause of something he did to one of them. The reason itself didn't even teach these idiots that Nxhoj could easily break their bones. They thought if they used weapons, they wouldn't have to worry.
But unbeknownst to THESE guys, there was one of Nxhoj's friends, a girl named Aloap, Aloap Lanreb, who was going to school early so she could review with her teacher about the finals, but eavesdropped on them when she heard of Nxhoj, since he wasn't exactly the popular guy at school. She belonged on Nxhoj's list of friends who he only saw at school. She couldn't believe what these guys were going to do to Nxhoj.
Her first thought was to warn Nxhoj about this. She sneaked out of the alleyway quickly, but unfortunately, didn't see that someone saw her. The grunt quickly went to tell the leader about this spy, but when he told the leader, he only let out a small chuckle. He replied
"Let her go. It won't matter even if Nxhoj will know; he couldn't possibly take on all of us!"
The leader let out a laugh, and his grunts let out cheers, and they all received several tons of garbage on their heads. They didn't even consider the people that lived in the apartments that made the alleyway that it was still early in the morning, now it being 7:05.
When the gang pulled out kept cheering, it irritated the people that they decided to punish and shut them up with their week old garbage. AND I CAN ENSURE YOU, THAT GANG CERTAINTLY KNEW TO GO BACK TO THEIR HOMES FOR A LOOOOOOONG SHOWER [week old garbage won't smell like roses, THAT'S for certain].
Before they all left, the leader called up on of the grunts, and told him to spy on Nxhoj, since this grunt had a class with him and Aloap. The leader needed to learn where Nxhoj was going to have that fight with his sister. Once they knew that, they could finish up the two Notlems, once and for all.

Well, that's chpt1 for you.  If anyone can, could you please tell me your opinion
and thank you to whomever reads this! =3 ^_^

[Night the Lucario]

This isn't too bad a beginning, but, like just about everyone else, you have problems with commas. In your case, you have a much rarer problem, you have too many. Try saying your sentences aloud, and put a comma where you pause for breath. Other than that, not bad, a bit bland, really, but it has potential. Oh, and can you please not change the size when you have your actual chapter? Having the ANs italicized or a different colour works just as well. And adjusting from one font size to the other can make you lose readers.

[Red]

This isn't too bad a beginning, but, like just about everyone else, you have problems with commas. In your case, you have a much rarer problem, you have too many. Try saying your sentences aloud, and put a comma where you pause for breath. Other than that, not bad, a bit bland, really, but it has potential. Oh, and can you please not change the size when you have your actual chapter? Having the ANs italicized or a different colour works just as well. And adjusting from one font size to the other can make you lose readers.

Funny you say that, and then the next sentence has too many commas. :P

I like it, but I sort of agree with Night; it needs to be proofread a little more. It really isn't that bland, honestly. It just has a few run on sentences (among other things.)

But keep it up, I can't wait to read the next chapter.

[Night the Lucario]

Funny you say that, and then the next sentence has too many commas. :P

I like it, but I sort of agree with Night; it needs to be proofread a little more. It really isn't that bland, honestly. It just has a few run on sentences (among other things.)

But keep it up, I can't wait to read the next chapter.

The way I find where commas are is by saying the sentences in my head, or aloud, occasionally, and putting a comma where I pause. The way that sentence was, I would have paused four times, right around where the commas are, were I speaking to Dusk in person.

[Red]

The way I find where commas are is by saying the sentences in my head, or aloud, occasionally, and putting a comma where I pause. The way that sentence was, I would have paused four times, right around where the commas are, were I speaking to Dusk in person.

Yes, but the correct grammar would be, "Other than that, not bad; a bit bland, really, but it has potential." with a semicolon after "not bad." You still pause there, it just stops it from being a run on sentence.