BFB's Bad Advice for Young People

[BOREDFOREVER]

How do I stop the clouds from raining over my town?

Well, you're gonna have to sell your soul.  I mean, the only thing you can do by yourself is make it rain.  You're going to have to do some research.  Did any American Indian tribes live in your area?  If so, find out who their rain god was, and what kind of sacrifices they made to please him.  Mix this with a little bit of pagan summoning, and you should be able to bring this god forth.  Trade your soul for some control over the skies.

Other than that, you'ld need a very large glass dome.

Or hard something else.... *Cough*

Anyway, here is a rather serious question: how do I get the ugly girl from work to stop stalking me? She knows where I live, has my phone number, and now goes to the same college as I do. Help!

Fuck her badly.  OR ask her on a date.  After the date, go somewhere intimate.  Share a few glasses of wine.  When she isn't watching you, chug water.  It'll keep you sober and help out with the final plan.  When she's warmed up, tell her to sit on the floor with her eyes closed.  Start sweet talking her; talk about how you've always really liked her but where unsure how you might approach her.  Tell her to keep her eyes closed while you go and get her a present.  Walk behind her, and give your friends the pre-assigned signal to enter the room.  THEY MUST ENTER QUIETLY.  When everyone is in place, whip it out and piss on her.  When she opens her eyes in shock and begins to panic, have your friends start applauding and calling her "Piss Face."  That ought to teach her.

Tonight, like litterally 45 or so minutes ago. I got called twice by a blocked number. First time it was a long pause after I said "hello?" (twice), then they said something unclear, it sounded like they said "uzumaki ninny" but that doesn't seem to make sense, immediately after the person said that I said "OK" then they hung up.
Second time they called I said "Heeeello?" *pause* "Heeeeeey buddy, whaaaaat's uuuuuuuuup?" *pause* then they said "It's time" *hang up*

I'm actually not scared, and this is a true story, but I wanna know, what should I do?
Also, if I die or something, you guys possibly know what happened.

I google it, and here's the wiki page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uzumaki.  It looks like some kind of nerd poop.  I was going to read the page and see if it applied to your situation, but then I got a drink instead.

Listen, whoever it might be is obviously some kind of nerd.  Just say "Tech Nine" back, or "I'm gonna shove a cheese grater up your ass."  You have nothing to worry about.  And, if something does happen, let it be known here and now that I called dibs on your stuff.  Dibs has been called, ladies and gentlemen.

[Macawmoses]

How do I get aroused?

[SkyMyl]

What's a good way to surprise a girl with a kiss?

[jnfs2014]

Okay, I recently met this girl on facebook (not a complete stranger, she goes to a nearby school and my brother knows her). After some texting (A LOT), I realize that I should meet her somehow. Since I don't have a license, how should I go about doing this. She's 14 by the way.

[Kayo]

Okay, I recently met this girl on facebook (not a complete stranger, she goes to a nearby school and my brother knows her). After some texting (A LOT), I realize that I should meet her somehow. Since I don't have a license, how should I go about doing this. She's 14 by the way.

... ...

I wonder how BFB is going to answer this if alcohol is out of the question.

[Macawmoses]

Alcohol is never out of the question.

[Kayo]

Alcohol is never out of the question.

We don't want a drunk 14 year old boy here though. D:

[Chrona]

..How do I be less shy..?

[Silverhawk79]

I love this thread so, so much.

[BOREDFOREVER]

How do I get aroused?

Go get yourself an needle and a small solution of potassium chloride.  Go into your bedroom and lock the door.  Insert the needle into the solution and fill it.  Point the needle in the air and press gently to clear air from the shaft.  Set it beside you.  Now, close your eyes and think.  If you were going to intercourse  one person, imaginary or real, who would it be?  Imagine that person is in the room with you.  Imagine them slowly coming onto you.  Anything?  If so, congrats.  If not, grab a belt or strip of cloth.  Tie it around your bicep and gently squeeze and release your fist.  Pick up the needle and stick it into the now lifted vain.  You're going to go into cardiac arrest, but that's alright.  A life without being able to get aroused aint worth living.

What's a good way to surprise a girl with a kiss?

Alright, go onto youtube and find yourself a video of arabic people talking.  Make sure that they are angry, and that the sound quality is good with minimal interference.  Now, find out where the girl lives.  Wait until she is asleep or her parents aren't home.  Then, blindfold and nab her and toss her in the back of a car.  Drive her to an abandoned house with a basement.  Carry her down to the basement and put her in a wooden chair.  Play the video of arabic people talking.  Take off her shoes and pour water on the floor.  Begin shouting some of the arabic you've just heard in a demanding tone.  Then rip off the blindfold and lay one on her.  Step back, give a good "Taa Daa!" and take your bow.

Okay, I recently met this girl on facebook (not a complete stranger, she goes to a nearby school and my brother knows her). After some texting (A LOT), I realize that I should meet her somehow. Since I don't have a license, how should I go about doing this. She's 14 by the way.

I'm assuming you live at home if you don't have a license.  Well, that means that you do have a car.  Are your parents heavy sleepers?  They will be when you spike their drinks with a bottle of crushed up Tylenol PMs.  Tie it into the holiday!  Happy Father's Day, parents!  I made you special smoothies.

Then take a ride over their and meet her.

... ...

I wonder how BFB is going to answer this if alcohol is out of the question.

I wonder how you'll ever gain the ability to function in normal society.  Alcohol could certainly be good to bring along, but it's not going to transport him over to the girl.  Running while drunk is really fun, but your not going to get anywhere doing it.

However, after reading your mind numbingly dumb comment, I felt slightly challenged to come up with a scenario where alcohol could solve his problem.

He's got a brother.

If that brother has a ride, then alcohol becomes an effective tool.  Get the brother drunk, and convince him that the girl has a busty friend that has a huge crush on him.  All he'd need to do is pretend do get a text from that girl that she is at the original girls house.  Then he'd tell the brother that he was far too drunk to drive, and that he would do all the driving.  But this still doesn't solve the license problem?  OR DOES IT.  If he gets pulled over, tell the cops that unfortunatley Brother got very drunk, and he assumed it was better to drive him home that let him loose on the road.

OR

If bro has no ride, you simply need to substitute someone who does.  And if they are older or already involved with someone, you simply need to substitute a really good place to eat in place of the busty friend.  Simply say you need to grab a friend along the way, but she lives right next to the place.

..How do I be less shy..?

WTF is this poop with the ellipses?  Get rid of that poop first.  It seems like it's supposed to be representative of your speaking style, which would be full of pauses.  Shy people pause.  You don't anymore.

Really, shyness is only a kind of shield from embarrasment.  You need to things: a fifth of whiskey and some loose clothing.  Start slugging that fifth, and go on into the mall or school or wherever there are people you know.  Then give them a show.  You shouldn't walk out with either the whiskey or the clothes; both should be gone. 

I would stay away from drugs like Meth on this one.  All though you may get more energetic, you're gonna end up focusing on a crack in the wall and talk to no one.  Alcohol is social lubricant.

After the initial one or two incidents, you should feel a bit more comfortable with people.  I mean, if they've seen you naked, are you really gonna get embarrassed by talking with them?

[Relichris]

What's more important?  Alcohol or women.

[jatoskep]

I want to buy a lot of liquor but I am 18 and cannot buy a lot of liquor.

(actually some friends and I are going to montreal in a month or so where we will go to bars and strip clubs and casinos and get poopfaced because the drinking age is 18, but until then, where can I buy a lot of liquor.)

[BOREDFOREVER]

What's more important?  Alcohol or women.

Well, let's break it down.

Are you a straight male or lesbian woman?  If not, then liquor is more important.

If yes, than women.  Why?

Is there a suitable replacement for alcohol?  Yes.  Drugs are not as cheap or legal, but they work in a pinch.

Is there a suitable replacement for women?  No.  No matter how many fleshlights, sex dolls, porn compilations, or watermelons you amass, it's never going to be the same as a real woman.  I mean, the thrill of the hunt, the glory of the kill.

Besides, do you know how I feel after a night of conquest and serious intercourse ing?  Like a champ.  How do I feel after a night of binge drinking?  Like death.

I often sing the praises of liquor here, and those praises are well deserved.  But, I mean, come on.  Give up boobs?  No thanks.

I want to buy a lot of liquor but I am 18 and cannot buy a lot of liquor.

(actually some friends and I are going to montreal in a month or so where we will go to bars and strip clubs and casinos and get poopfaced because the drinking age is 18, but until then, where can I buy a lot of liquor.)

Listen, I dunno where you need to go.  Do I look like a intercourse ing GPS unit?  A city guide book?

It's not where you go, it's who you go to.

You're best bet is to find a convenience store clerk who's willing to sell it to you for some extra cash in his pocket.  A friend of a friend.  Or, find a friend who's over twenty-one and ask them to buy it for you.  Or a wino.  Just make sure they don't run off with your poop.

Listen, if you where a chick, I'd tell you to sweet talk some old codger by a liquor store.  Since you're a guy, you wouldn't be able to do the same thing.  I mean, maybe if you find an old gay dude and blew him, he might hook you up.  But unless you're gay, you're giong to use oilf of the liquor you buy getting that taste out of your mouth.

[SkyMyl]

What's an effective way to get $600 in the frame of one month without breaking the law?

[jatoskep]

The advice in this thread should never be followed by anyone, ever.

What happened to that? The liquor-getting advice you gave me is pretty much what I should do. :v

Anyways, I drank absinthe last night and now I don't remember any of last night. Wooo.