Silver's House of Pancakes

[Dog Food]

Episode I Preface

The life of a Web Surfer is not an easy one. There's rigorous training, the hours are grueling, and your days are numbered. As a Web Surfer you have to be proficient in numbers and percentages. And let me tell you, I've generated some data and found that 100% of Web Surfers die. Eventually. Okay, so my knowledge of the actual when and how is scant, but that doesn't distress my data. I mean, how many people actually look into the deeper meaning of this stuff, anyway? They see "100% of Web Surfers die" and think 'Oh man, that's one profession I don't want to get into.' Not that I'm trying to stop the promotion of the business. But then again, less willing students means an in-demand job, and everyone wants to be part of an in-demand job. That means more dough and more recognition for my work. Oh wait, but if everyone wants to be in an in-demand job, then that means people will be attracted to it for the very same reasons I mentioned. Well, then... that's a paradoxical statement if I've ever saw one, and probably a waste of time to spend my introduction rambling about.

This story isn't about the percentage of Web Surfers that die in the lifetime of their career, nor is it a How-To Guide on Job-Obtaining. Although, you could possibly take it to be the latter. This, my dear friends, is a life story. And the fact that it starts off in the workplace is proof of that. Love it or hate it, this is my story. And it isn't intercourse ing changing for any of you, so stop asking.*

~ KJ - [WS, Division III:E @ SHOP]

*Actually, some aspects of this story will change for you, if you ask. Most suggestions will be implemented in some way, shape or form. So suggest stuff.

[Silverhawk79]

I'm interested and confused.
Continue.

[THEBIRD]

this topic name is irrelevant. i smell a hoax.

also

*Actually, some aspects of this story will change for you, if you ask. Most suggestions will be implemented in some way, shape or form. So suggest stuff.

dancing panda bears.

[Dog Food]

I'm interested and confused.
Continue.

And with your name in the title, could it possibly be any more awesome?

Chapter One - The Meeting

There are four key items needed in order to be a great Web Surfer:

1. A flame-resistant surf board.
2. Signature moves to gain individualism and trademarks in a competitive market.
3. A catchy nickname, because normal names are boring and limited.
4. [Common/Intellectual] Sense (although it is sometimes good to accompany this trait with some sort of weapon or exemplary skill, because those trolls can be fiercer than sharks in open water).

My training began with the second one. It's no secret in the business how I became a Web Surfer. One day I was watching the pros, bored and lazy, when a name formulated in my head: KJ. What could be better than a two letter name that rhymed? And the best part was it could very well have been my real name. There's nothing better than a fake name masquerading as a real name in the job market of Web Surfers. You can't trust a "xRipperx", but you can trust an "Average Joe". See what I'm getting at? It's just a name, but KJ rolls off the tongue and already makes you more personable and real. Of course, pictures can't hurt, either.

Anyway, it was that name that brought me over to the admissions desk. It's a painstaking process that involves registering your Surfer name and then waiting for your individual passcode. This number is important, like a license plate on your car. Your individual passcode (AKA an IP) is then engraved onto your handcrafted surf board (also like a license plate - hey, this was actually a pretty good analogy). Then a fresh coat of flame retardant paint is added... and viola! You got yourself all the necessary equipment needed to legally begin your Web Surfing career.

Oh wait, I almost forgot. Before you can actually do any of that, you need to go through the training process. From that list above, all you can actually do right away is reserve a name. That name is then set aside in the database for 90 days. Once you obtain a trainer, that person can then keep the name set aside for an additional year. You are then given training that can last forever and then some. But if you finish before your name is put back into the database, you can then take that name and begin your career.

But this isn't about the processes of becoming a Web Surfer, this is about my story. So let's get back to it, 'kay thanks.

I met my trainer on one of my many scenic site rounds. At the beach, there are these places called "sites". Don't ask me why it's spelled like that. But it's a play on words. Beaches have scenic sights, so they decided to be cool and call their various sights "sites". It's like making 'fat' a cool thing by adding a 'ph' in the beginning. Get it? Well whether you do or you don't, I'm moving on. So I was checking out one site, my name already set aside, looking for a trainer. Someone to administer knowledge and moderate my moves. You can call them an admin if you want, but I'd never give mine that false pride. So trainer it stays. I met my trainer on a particular site labeled "Silver's House of Pancakes". Believe it or not, but they had a pancake shack with an arcade in the back. The view was alright, and the place was quaint with a few regulars popping in for breakfast and some late night gaming. It was small, but there always seemed to be room for more customers, or "users" (you know, people using their space - not someone on drugs). Long story short, I liked the vibe.

And that's where I met BJ Head, my trainer. It was instant chemistry. We were only nine letters in the alphabet apart, after all. If it wasn't for that awful body and annoying personality attached to the name, we could have made a great couple. Call me shallow, but the only thing important in a relationship is the looks. Oh, and pheromones. And his natural scent wasn't pancakes, like I was expecting. It was... well, not pancakes. And since I don't want to get graphic this early in, while we're all still sober, I'll leave it at that.

Anyway, the process of finding a trainer is difficult. I was lucky to have started my search inside of Silver's House of Pancakes. Let me paint you a short picture of what it was like for me, once I was inside:

Me: Where will I ever find someone to make me do dirty things while they watch?
BJ Head: I'll do it.
Me: BJ?
BJ Head: Yes, please.
Me: Great, you can train me, Mr. Head. I hear Web Surfing is a pretty dirty business, so you better watch my back. Seriously, if I break a nail... Well, let's just implement that "a finger for a penis" saying that's so popular these days.
BJ Head: ...Isn't it "an eye for an eye"?
Me: But I'm not planning on losing an eye.

Ever since that fateful day, BJ became my personal trainer. And if I haven't convinced you yet that Web Surfing is dangerous and we aren't paid nearly enough for it, then my next entry should do just that. Ah yes, action and adventure await. Plenty of sex, drugs, killing, vampires, werewolves, shrooms, fat plumbers, sexy mustaches, a nude scene and a bar fight. Oh, and dancing pandas, apparently. I promise you that every single one of those things will be in my next update. And if I leave one out, what are you going to do, sue me? I'd like to see you try.