Wikipedia: Hedgehogs

[DededeCloneChris]

Is Cream Birthday and Tails gives her a ladtop with Internet! And when she navigates to wikipedia about the Hedgehogs, see what happens when Sonic's "friends" talks about it! By Taranea.

Allright, this fanfic takes place in the Sonic X universe. Before you all scream and run away, I have to add that none of the humans will make an appearance, but I need this adventure to be set on earth. You don´t need to know Sonic X to enjoy it..

(If you find the introduction boring, just skip to the part where the actual jokes start, a few paragraphs down where the bold begins. )

Disclaimer: I own neither Sonic the hedgehog nor any related characters nor the article I used as a basis for this fiction.


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Sonic comfortably stretched out on the grass, drinking in the sunlight of this beautiful day.
Three of the Chaos Emeralds still needed to be found, Robotnik was as usually at large and probably building a Giant Flying Fortress of Immediate Doom (or just playing Scrabble with his robots) right at this moment, but for now, all the blue hero cared for was relaxing in the wonderful warmth of this day.
"Right, Cream! Open your presents, you´ve waited long enough!"

He smiled as he heard Tails´ eager voice. Today was little Cream´s birthday and they had come out here to have a pic-nic to celebrate it. Amy had gone back to the Thorndyke´s house to fetch some ice-cream but most of the other Mobians who had landed on earth were there, since not even the stubborn echidna could resist the adorable rabbit when she had presented him with his invitation, complete with tiny ribbon and all. ("Please, Mr. Knuckles? Pleeeease?") Even Shadow was present, as he currently had no other place to stay. The only ones missing were the Chaotix but maybe they´d show up later.

Sonic sat up to grin at Rouge who was now nearly being hugged to death. Maybe not such a bright idea to give Cream her first diamond necklet...

Knuckles, rushing to the rescue, quickly saved the bat by distracting the hyper-active rabbit with his own present. He received a pink flower-necklace for his troubles, much to the amusement of Sonic.

"Aww, Knuckles, it clashes with your fur, how can you?!"

"I´ll wipe that smug grin right of your mug, you..."

"Mr. Knuckles, don´t you like it?" Cream had stopped unwrapping the present and was now staring teary-eyed at the red guardian.

"No, no, no Cream, it´s great!" And if that annoying blue freak didn´t stop giggling right now...

The echidna´s present turned out to be a pair of oven mits, which was nice, since Cream loved cooking.

"Now it´s time for mine!" Tail´s announced, handing her a flat, yet heavy, package. When the rabbit had opened it, however, she was puzzled.

"What is this?"

"It´s a laptop! I made it myself, you can use it to surf in the internet so you don´t get bored when you have to stay at the house all day." He proclaimed proudly, turning the gadget on and starting the webbrowser.

"The internet?" Cream looked even more confused.

"Yeah, it has games and pictures and everything! For example, there´s Wikipedia, a huge human encyclopedia from which you can learn a lot about this world."

That got everyone´s attention. 'Urf', as the humans called it, was still a strange place for them and the prospect of learning more about it seemed attracting.
They gathered around the screen as the wireless connection stabilized and Tails typed something in the URL field of the browser.

"Here, see?" he said, as the main page had loaded. "Everything you could possibly want to know. Anyone interested in something in particular?"

"Oh, I know!" Cream piped up, "Let´s see whether they wrote something about Mr. Sonic! His adventures are always so amazing!"

Sonic, having heard his name, trotted over to them and sat down as well.

"This is strange..." Tails said, "There´s no article about 'Sonic the Hedgehog'. But they do seem to have something about hedgehogs. Let´s see what they say..."

Sonic grinned. "Oh yeah, hedgehogs. Very cool dudes in general."

Knuckles snorted.

Cream smiled. "That means we will be reading up on you, too, Mr. Shadow! Oh, isn´t that exciting?"

Shadow looked at her, then stated: "But I am not a hedgehog."

General staring.

"I am the Ultimate Lifeform."

More staring. General sweat-dropping.

Tails began to read out aloud:

Hedgehog

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The name 'hedgehog' came into use around the year 1450, derived from the middle English word 'heyghoge'. Other folk names include 'urchin', 'hedgepig' and 'furze-pig'.

"What?! Sonic stuttered, "Pig?!"

"Well, as far as your appetite goes, they certainly got that one right." Knuckles said, grinning. "Keep reading, that might be interesting."

Hedgehogs are easily distinguished by their spines, which are hollow hairs made stiff with keratin. Their spines are not poisonous or barbed and, unlike the quills of a porcupine, cannot easily be removed from the animal.

"You sure about that?" the echidna asked, yanking Sonic hard on one of his back spines, causing the hedgehog to land on his behind with rather more force than necessary.

"Hey!" Sonic, who was by now reading on the grinning faces of the others that this might very well become rather humiliating rather quickly, tried to signal to Tails to stop. The fox, oblivious to everyone else around him, ignored the frantic waving.

When under extreme stress or during sickness, a hedgehog will lose spines.

Knuckles raised an eyebrow. "Under extreme stress? Well, Sonic, when you´re fighting against Eggman again, you might want to watch out for that, it could be embarrassing..." Even Cream had to giggle at that.

A defense that all species of hedgehogs possess is the ability to roll into a tight ball, causing all of the spines to point outwards to sometimes even attack the intruder, by trying to ram into the intruder with its spines, leaving rolling as a last resort.

"Well, at least they got that correct", Sonic admitted grudgingly, "I was starting to think that the one writing this was a serious nutcase..."

While forest hedgehogs have relatively few predators, primarily birds (especially owls) and ferrets, smaller species like the Long-eared Hedgehog are usually preyed on by foxes.

Every face turned to Tails. Silence descended. Sonic slowly shifted away from him.

The fox looked up: "...what?"

All hedgehogs are primarily nocturnal, although different species can be more or less likely to come out in the daytime.

"Nocturnal?" Knuckles snorted, "Give me a break, the closest this guy gets to 'nocturnal' is raiding the fridge for some left-over Chili dogs at midnight..."

"Well, you forget that he has to hide during the day or Tails would eat him." Shadow stated, sounding serious. Everyone else looked at each other, then howled in laughter.

The hedgehog sleeps for a large portion of the daytime,

"You have to admit they obviously know what they´re writing about..." Rouge grinned.

either under cover of bush or grass or rock or in a hole in the ground.

"Well...that´s new..." Knuckles moved over, then knocked exaggeratingly at a boulder, yelling: "Hey, Sonic! You awake yet?"

The blue hedgehog groaned. This article was sure to haunt him for quite a while...

In general hedgehogs dig out dens for shelter. On their back paws they have 4 toes with long, constantly growing nails. They have these characteristics because hedgehogs burrow.

"This is ridiculous! We do NOT burrow! They´re confusing us with echidnas or something!" Sonic shouted increasingly frustrated over the general amusement, but to no avail.

"Hey Sonic, let´s see your back paws!" Knuckles called back, nearly getting his wish fulfilled by Sonic´s sneaker (and foot) narrowly avoiding his face.

Hedgehogs are fairly vocal,

"Ooooh, Mr. Sonic, you can sing?" Cream sounded awed, while Sonic thought that the roboticizer might actually be preferable to this.

and communicate not only in a series of grunts and snuffles, but sometimes in loud squeals (depending on species).

"He´s...he´s communicating in..." Knuckles tried to say something but was overwhelmed by shrieks of his own laughter.

Hedgehogs occasionally perform a ritual called 'anointing'. When the animal comes across a new scent, it will lick and bite the source and then form a scented froth in its mouth and paste it on its spines with its tongue. It is not known what the specific purpose of this ritual is.

"Let´s hope Amy never takes him into a perfume shop..." Rouge called, stiffling her giggles for a bit.

"You can really lick your back? That´s hard..." a slow, rumbling voice wondered.

Sonic looked up and saw Big the cat. Wonderful.

"Oh, hi Big!" Knuckles greeted the newcomer joyously, "You´re just in time to hear Sonic tell us about the specific purpose of a mysterious hedgehog ritual."

"Get. Blunted." Sonic replied, using a not-so-mysterious hedgehog insult instead.

Hedgehogs perform well with other pets,

"Other PETS?! Have these humans lost their friggin mind?!"

including cats and dogs. They are occasionally threatened by these animals, though, but for those rare instances, the hedgehogs just roll into a ball until the threat is gone.

"Wow, Sonic, you sure are threatened what with Tails and Big here at the same time..." Rouge said in a voice that was positively dripping with fake concern.

Sonic wistfully wished that rolling into a ball would help here, too.

Diet

Although belonging to insectivore family, hedgehogs are almost omnivorous. Hedgehogs feed on insects,

"Oh my Gosh, Sonic, you ate Charmy!"

"Knuckles, if you don´t shut up this very second..."

snails, frogs,

"Froggy!"

and toads, snakes, bird eggs,

"Well, I guess I understand why Jet the hawk didn´t like you that much, you probably having messily devoured his siblings and all..." The echidna guardian was having the time of his life.

carrion, mushrooms, grass roots, berries, melons, and watermelons.

"Apart from the watermelons none of this is right!" Sonic shouted despairingly, receiving only "Go sleep under your rock, you´re nocturnal!" by Rouge as an answer.

The hedgehog is occasionally spotted after a rainstorm foraging for earthworms.

"Stop it! I can´t take it anymore!" Knuckles was holding his sides, his stomach muscles already aching from so much laughter. "I hope it rains tomorrow, we can all go spot Sonic foraging."
Rouge put on a contemplative face: "That will be hard to do, considering his hydrophobia and all...do they have that in there, too?"

In areas that have hedgehogs in the wild, they are often welcomed as a natural form of garden pest control.

"Finally we know why Chris fished you from that pool, you´re a garden pest control..."

Sonic merely scowled at that last remark, mentally already making a list of 'pests' to be controlled.

Although hedgehogs are lactose-intolerant, they will eagerly consume cheese,

"Chao?!"

"Relax, Cheese, they´re talking about actual cheese here." Rouge said, petting the little creature affectionately.

"Yeah, and Sonic is too busy trying to alternatively eat Jet´s children and Froggy anyway..."

"Knuckles! Remember that Cream´s listening, too!"

milk, and dairy products, causing illness. The common pet hedgehog (Four-toed Hedgehog) can however have a small portion of cottage cheese as a dietary supplement.

Everybody looked at Sonic´s plate. It didn´t help the hedgehog much that today of all days he had chosen that cottage cheese sandwich after all the chili dogs had been eaten.

"A common pet hedgehog! That´s what you are!"

"A garden pest control!"

"Want to know what the pet hedgehog has to say to you?!"

Amy, meanwhile, had returned and was trying to find out what the commotion was all about.

Reproduction and lifespan

Depending on the species, the gestation period is 40-58 days. The average litter is 3-4 newborns for larger species and 5-6 for smaller ones.

Loud whooping and cheering from Knuckles´and Rouge´s places. "You hear that? Way to go, Amy!" :D

Amy blushed and looked shyly at Sonic who was now staring at the ground, trying to hide from the others that he too had gone a little red in the face.

As with many animals, it is not unusual for an adult male hedgehog to kill newborn males.

You could have heard a needle dropping.

Then:

"Stop staring at me! The author of that is obviously insane!"

More stunned silence. Sonic sighed and pulled Amy down to him.

"See what I´ve been going through for the last quarter of an hour? Well, at least I am not the only hedgehog here anymore." Glaring at Shadow, he added: "Since someone here blatantly refuses to accept his heritage!"

Shadow gave him a cool look. "I am not lactose intolerant. Therefore, I am not a hedgepig, but the ultimate lifeform."

"First of all, it´s hedgehog, and secondly..."

"And I don´t eat my young."

"Neither do I and..."

"But you may be forgiven. You lead a harsh life with Tails being a constant threat to your existence."

Sonic dropped his head in his hands, giving up. Amy smiled and put her arm around him.

The hedgehog's dilemma is based upon the apparent danger of a male hedgehog being poked by the female while matin-

"Finish that sentence and you´re dead, Tails."

"-eh, maybe we should cut that section out altogether!" the fox added hurriedly while he felt his friend´s burning death glare in his back.

Although he wasn´t able to read out the next sentence aloud, he himself found it rather interesting: "The hedgehog´s dilemma states that the closer two people are to each other, the more they may hurt one another." While most of the other things in the article had been – while very entertaining – still utter rubbish, this statement oddly enough rang very true. Sonic had told him once that he didn´t dare get close to Amy since Robotnik could use her as a weapon against him and he wouldn´t be able to bear the thought of her being in danger. "The closer two people are to each other, the more they may hurt each other..." Seems like being a hero is not always as great as everyone thinks...

He grinned again. Still, no reason not to continue the torture a little bit.

Larger species of hedgehogs live 4-7 years in the wild (some have been recorded up to 16 years)

Knuckles suddenly stood up and made a very solemn face. In a tragic voice, he started to proclaim: "We have gathered here today to say our last good-byes to our dear friend Sonic, who has now peacefully died of old age-"

"Goddangit Knucklehead, I´m sixteen and you´re a year older than me!"

"Well, it didn´t say anything about the life-span of echidnas in there, did it? You, on the other hand, should be looking for a retirement home in my opinion..."

Sonic didn´t want to start a fight on Cream´s birthday but muttered something about a certain echidna looking for his teeth soon enough.

Domesticated hedgehogs

The purchase of domesticated hedgehogs has seen a considerable increase in the last few years due to their apparently innocent and playful looks.

"Oh Sonic, that sounds so cute!", Amy squealed.

He gave her a disbelieving look. "Modern trafficking sounds cute to you?!"

Knuckles raised a finger. "Please note the 'apparently' in the former statement."

Hedgehogs are difficult to maintain as pets due to their low resistance to climate and temperature changes,

"...and due to their tendency to blow up stasis pods with Chaos Blast..." Sonic muttered, shooting another baleful glance at an impassive Shadow.

and their inability to adapt to enclosed environments.

"Now I´m convinced that whoever wrote this, studied you first."

"You´re positively screaming for a spindash, you know that?"

"Oh, go and perform your hedgehog ritual or something."

Hedgehog diseases

There are many diseases common to hedgehogs, mostly fatal.

"Lemme guess, among those listed, Thrill-seekingus Irresponsibili ranks first!"

"Listen, Knucklehead, just because you will probably die before me of sheer boredom from guarding your giant glowy rock, that doesn´t mean that I..."

"Shush, Sonic, we want to hear the rest of it. You can forage earthworms if you´re bored."

Wobbly hedgehog syndrome is very common.

Another shout of laughter, followed by: "You hear that, Amy! Don´t let him get near any bars!" Rouge was already red in the face from so much laughter.

Human influence

As with most small mammals living around humans, cars pose a great threat to hedgehogs. Many are run over as they attempt to cross roadways.

Rouge frowned. "Cars running over hedgehogs?"

Knuckles shrugged. "With Sonic, it´s more likely the other way round..."

...domesticated hedgehogs will often display a behavior of getting their head stuck in tubes (commonly, toilet paper tubes) and walking around with the tube on their head.

The shrieking laughter could be heard from miles away, Sonic was sure.

"Who the hell writes this stuff?!"

Culinary use

Hedgehogs are a food source in many cultures. Several recipes from the Middle Ages call for the use of hedgehog meat.

They looked at each other.

"Soon as possible we leave this planet."

Everyone agreed.

[Fell]

OMG!!!!

I WAS CRACKING UP AS MUCH AS KNUCKLES!!!!!  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


Do one for Knuckles!!!

[Zovistograt]

I lol'd

gj ;D

[DededeCloneChris]

OMG!!!!

I WAS CRACKING UP AS MUCH AS KNUCKLES!!!!!  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


Do one for Knuckles!!!

There are MORE CHAPTERS! I BRING THE NEXT ONE HERE! ;)

[Fell]

YAY!!!!!  ;D ;D ;D

[DededeCloneChris]

Interlude: The epilogue that never took place!


Sonic the Hedgehog tried to gather the emeralds as quickly as possible, which led to a drastic shortening of the SonicX series. Other than that, in an attempt to 'set things right' he was also involved in writing a huge part of an article about himself which has actually been posted on Wikipedia now, being a great help to fanfic writers everywhere!

Shadow the Hedgehog is still convinced he is not a hedgehog and has been arguing very hard with the producers about the title of his game. Eventually though, he lost, since nobody besides him thought that "Shadow the Ultimate Lifeform from the space colony ARK" had quite the same ring to it.

Amy Rose, meanwhile, has been seen buying rather vast amounts of baby clothing and ordering a customized quadruplets buggy.

Miles 'Tails' Prower, however, has not been seen at all. Some unconfirmed sources state that he is still in hiding, while yet other unconfirmed sources are convinced that 'no matter where that little brat is hiding, I WILL find him and he will pay for this humiliation! Some best friend he is!'

Big the Cat has also vanished since he heard that hedgehogs eat frogs. Personally, we hope that we will never see him again, especially not in a game, and if he does show up, we would be delighted to see Sonic actually devouring Froggy. And Big´s face while he does it.

Cream the Rabbit has recently taken to surfing the internet rather a lot. Her mother is worried that some 'bad sites' might give her 'ideas.' Her fears were further confirmed by the fact that Cream looked at some really rather more dubious pages, such as pictures of dead animals and coughfanfictioncoughnet. However, Cream has also developed other hobbies, like trying out that new, nice, metal toy Shadow gave her for her birthday.

Cheese the Chao was found frightened to death with several bullet holes in the wall around him the next morning. Serves him right for wearing that horrible fly.

Knuckles the Echidna broke up with Rouge after he did some Wikipedia research on his own and discovered what bats actually looked like.

Rouge the Bat fortunately was trying to break up with Knuckles at the exact same time, since she had seen in the encyclopedia what actual echidnas looked like. By now, they are together again and trying to sue Wikipedia for calumny.

[Fell]

That one was funny. :)

[DededeCloneChris]

Sonic had been on edge for days so far. When he had not spent his time nervously checking Ella´s cooking books for any suspiciously spiky dishes (and nearly freaked out when he saw a picture of a 'sea urchin cake') he had been mercilessly taunted by the others, getting pestered with questions like: "Already controlled any garden pests today?", or warnings such as "Watch out, Sonic, I saw a toilet paper tube upstairs!"

He had even lost it yesterday (after Knuckles had presented him with an earthworm – 'dug it up myself so you wouldn´t have to forage') and yelled at everyone in the vicinity, only to receive a "Gee, common pet hedgehogs can be so grumpy" from the Guardian and a "He is unstable. This could be the first stage of the Wobbly Hedgehog Syndrome." from Shadow, which was even worse. The black hedgehog-in-denial always sounded so gosh darn serious that everyone broke down laughing whenever he uttered a word about that article. Sometimes Sonic thought he did that on purpose.

The Thorndykes were out on some weekend trip or other at the moment (it had been deemed better for everyone concerned that the Mobians stay at home, especially after what Knuckles had done to the cake last time) and Robotnik hadn´t shown any movement in the entire month.

Sonic was bored out of his mind but had already formed the plan to hold the doctor personally responsible for the entire disaster area called 'Wikipedia' that his horrible race had created. The hedgehog even considered turning Super and maybe force the scientist on some sort of fitness parcour, just to see someone else suffer for a change.

The sun was slowly creeping over the horizon and Sonic sat up and stretched. The hedgehog had taken to sleeping on his back on the roof during the night since that was the one place where he would be left alone.

He kept having strange dreams of being a flying Ace in an aerial war, fighting against Robotnik calling himself 'Red Baron' for some reason, but apart from that, this was just fine. (He doubted he could ever forget Knuckles appearing in his doorway at one in the morning, asking "Say, Sonic, hedgehogs sleep under rocks, right?" innocently enough to make the blue hero twitchy for the rest of the night, listening in paranoia whether he might hear any suspiciously large boulders being dragged around.)

Really, that echidna had been deriving way too much fun from that article...

He slid off the edge of the tiles and grabbed a windowsill, swinging himself gracefully into the dining room, looking for some food. Most of his 'friends' (he wasn´t quite sure when he would be able to take the quotation marks off that word) were already there, either staring sleepily into their coffee-mugs (Rouge, who always had trouble getting up), chomping busily on their waffles (Tails and Cream) or wandering around the kitchen, getting out things for their own breakfast.

(Discounting Shadow who was content staring into nothingness and murmuring 'Maria' at random intervalls.)

"Good morning, Mr. Sonic!"

"Morning..." And just when he thought that he might actually be able to live at least through breakfast normally, the door opened.

"Guys, guess what´s in the newspaper today!" Everyone looked up to see Knuckles striding in, said paper held out to see.

English Wikipedia publishes millionth article!!!

Sonic thought about bashing his head against the wall. Then he thought that bashing the echidna´s head against the wall would probably be even better.

"Knux..." he began, only to be interrupted by the guardian before he could even utter one sentence.

"This is really interesting, apparently there was a huge celebration at their headquarters with a lot of guests– "

"Great, if we get Eggman to drop a bomb there, we might even be able to wipe them out all at once. Listen, Knucklehead..."

"...but you haven´t even heard the best bit:" the guardian continued, unperturbed, "they say here that each day articles are added, lenghtened and improved since they have thousands of writers."

"Yeah. So?" Sonic just desperately wished this subject to be closed. If Knuckles was thinking of cracking just one more 'hedgehog´s dilemma' joke...

"Weeell, that means that in the few days that we haven´t looked up your cool article they could already have added lots of new information." The echidna finished, grinning horribly.

Sonic watched in pure terror as everyone around the table slowly seemed to start smiling as well.

"Guys...you can´t...not again..."

"Oh thank you, Cheese! Look, Mr. Sonic, Cheese has even brought us my laptop!"

The others started reading through the awful article again. The hedgehog in their midst was meanwhile contemplating asking Robotnik for asylum. Fortunately, Rouge soon let out a disappointed sigh. "Nothing new here. Seems like they don´t update everything, then."

Sonic´s ears perked up and he swiftly turned around. "Oh. Really? Well, what a pity. Guess you will just have to close this contraption from hell and call it a day, so sorry that your fun has been spoiled." He meant to return to his breadroll after that but then spotted something at the bottom of the page.

"Hey Tails, what´s this writing in blue here?"

The two-tailed fox squinted a little bit. "Blue lettering means a hyperlink...it will show you more information if you click on those words."

"Because..." and now it was Sonic´s turn to grin (which effectively just meant baring his fangs) "...it says here 'Echidnas'."

"Oh, wow!" Cream chirped, "Does this actually mean that there´s an article about Mr. Knuckles, too?!"

Sonic steepled his fingertips and turned around to face the guardian (who had just assumed an interesting shade of light orange), an eerie glint in his eyes that made him seem creepily similiar to Shadow. "Yes, Cream...let´s read all about echidnas, why don´t we..."

Knuckles bolted for the door, but it was a hopeless attempt. Sonic was there before he had even taken a few steps and now the hedgehog gave the friendliest of smiles...before locking the door and storing the key irretrievably in the dephts of his quills.

"Sonic, you know I could smash that gosh darn door whenever I wanted."

"Uh-huh. And then the Thorndykes would throw you out on your spiky butt."

"Who cares?! I lived alone all my life!" The echidna charged forward, clearly aiming for Sonic´s nose with his right fist. The hedgehog waited until he was nearly on him, then...

"No more grapes."

Knuckles froze in mid-punch.

Sonic walked cheerfully past him. "Think about it, Knucklehead. Smash this place up and you can say goodbye to your favorite food until we´re back on Mobius."

The Guardian clenched his fists, cursing his one weakness. The blue freak was right, it wasn´t grape season on this continent and only the Thorndykes had enough money to import them from the other side of the planet... But it was just grapes! Just...grapes...juicy, succulent, sweet, aromatic grapes...

"Alright!" he hollered finally, "Bring it on! I´m not afraid! Look that gosh darn article up, if you have to, but I won´t take responsibility for anything, you hear me?!"

Sonic punched the air. "Yeah! Come on, Tails, hit that link-thing for all it´s worth!"

Knuckles had to admit, he was kind of curious himself. He was the only one of his kind, after all, and didn´t know much about his race, since he couldn´t even really remember his parents. The article about hedgehogs had seemed like something a brain-dead squirrel (or a human - for Knuckles, these two terms were synonyms) had produced while overdosing on crack and listening to Enya at the same time – but maybe, just maybe they knew something about his heritage here on earth? He clung to that desperate hope as the page loaded and Tails started to read...

Echidna

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"It´s really small, isn´t it?" Cream asked, as they glanced at the article.

"Well," Sonic grinned, "Just goes to show that no echidna could ever be as interesting as Yours truly, right? Then again, "- he carried on as Knuckles started to glare -

"...I wonder whether they actually mentioned any obsessive tendencies concerning ridiculously large Emeralds, the amazing ability to be tricked on a nearly daily basis, an annoying habit of pummeling poor innocent blue hedgehogs-" the hero continued counting off on his fingers as he dodged casually a fist – "not to mention an incredibly bad taste in rap music..."

"You leave my music the hell alone!"

Echidnas are the only surviving monotremes apart from the Platypus.

The fighting stopped and the faces of the group were essentially just one big question mark. Knuckles, though, was exited. He didn´t understand much either, but it said something about his race being nearly extinct, right? Maybe he could locate that Platypus guy and find out what had happened to his ancestors...already his brain was developing wild theories.

Sonic, however, frowned. "That´s too complicated, Tails. Just scroll down to the part where it says Gets tricked easily by large, egg-shaped objects' or something."

Sometimes they are also referred to as "spiny anteaters". The echidna is named after a monster in ancient Greek mythology.

On the other hand, thought the Guardian as the others rolled around laughing their heads off, maybe the author is just plain insane as well.

"Watch it, Tails, the monster is gonna eat us if we annoy it too much!" Sonic shouted to his friend in mock warning.

"Naah," the fox replied, "Only if we were ants, don´t forget that." Both had another grinning fit.

It is a primitive oviparous mammal.

"What?!" Knuckles had now turned a deep purple instead of his usual scarlet colour while Sonic had to use the wall as support.

"We echidnas are NOT primitive! Our culture has been around for millennia!"

The hedgehog gave Knuckles a patronizing look. "Oh, come on Knuckles, you don´t have to be so oviparous about it."

"You don´t even know what that means!"

"Of course I do. Hedgehogs are not as primitive as your little cave-man race."

Taxonomy

Echidnas are classified into three sub-groups. Some of these sub-groups are still alive today, others are only known from fossils.

Sonic eyed Knuckles warily. "You know, I wouldn´t believe everything they say in there."

The echidna gave Sonic a surprised look, wondering why on earth the hedgehog would cut short his own fun. "Huh?"

"I mean, we haven´t even figured out yet whether you count as a fossil, so these numbers should still be under discussion." The hedgehog barely dodged the next punch as Rouge roared with laughter.

The three living Zaglossus species are endemic to New Guinea. They are rare and are hunted for food.

Once again, the group had turned pale.

"...anyone up for a 'Knucklesandwich'?"

"Sonic! That´s tasteless!" Rouge chided over the general giggling but couldn´t hide the twitching in her face completely.

The hedgehog smirked.. "I don´t know, these New Guinea people would probably tell you the contrary."

Oh, he had been waiting ages for this opportunity...

Description

Echidnas are small mammals that are covered with coarse hair and spines.

"'Spines'? Pardon me, but this guy´s excuse for spines could pass for wet socks rather than spikes, if you ask me." Sonic said, stroking his own quills proudly.

"Watch it, hedgehog, or we just might try that 'not easily removable' thing again..." Knuckles took a step towards the blue hero, but was actually cut off by someone else.

"I think as well you shouldn´ torment the guardian."

"Why, Shads, what´s it to you?" Sonic asked, surprised that his black counterpart had opened his mouth without angsting for once.

"He has just learned that his people haven´t found their end as warriors but as the main dish. He is probably in shock."

"Shadow! I thought you were on my side!" Knuckles yelled as Sonic howled with laughter, but the black look-alike merely gave him a condescending stare.

"I am the Ultimate Lifeform. I am on nobody´s side but my own."

Knuckles sighed. I hate those friggin hedgehogs and their attitudes so gosh darn much...

Superficially they resemble mostly other spiny mammals like porcupines and hedgehogs.

"WHAT?!" both Knuckles and Sonic stared at each other in disgust, then immediately became offended when they noticed the respective other´s stare.

"There is no way in freakin hell that I look even remotely like that blue punk!" Knuckles declared loudly.

"You´re actually right for once, Knucklehead..." Sonic started. The echidna huffed. "Glad you admit it at least."

"After all, we shouldn´t forget that I have 'playful and innocent looks', while your mother just had to take one peep at you to name you after some monster."

Violent fighting ensued and Tails continued reading.

They have snouts which have the functions of both the mouth and nose.

A few moments of silence (with Sonic slowly crawling out of the dishwasher Knuckles had shoved him into) while everyone was trying to figure out what that could possibly mean. Then:

"Ewww!"

The group stared at little Cream. "What?"

The small rabbit squealed. "That means when Ms Rouge kisses him, she gets bogeys in her mouth!"

General sweatdropping.

Their snouts are elongated and slender.

"Elongated, huh? Well, Knux, I told you not to stick your nose or mouth or whatever in other people´s business so much..."

Knuckles thought of closing the door of said dishwasher and initiating the programme with the hedgehog inside.

They have very short, strong limbs with large claws and are powerful diggers.

"Large claws, huh? Scary primitive mammal we have here..." Rouge grinned, then looked at her red companion in a jokingly seductive manner.

"Rouge..." Knuckles was gnashing his teeth. Grapes or no grapes, this was almost too hard to take.

"Ah, but his legs are short. He won´t stand a chance in pursuit."

"Shadow..." the echidna´s tone was even more warning now.

"Even with his elongated nose to track us?"

"SONIC!"

Echidnas have a tiny mouth and a toothless jaw.

The mentioned mouth was at the moment opening and closing like a goldfish´s, but without any sound coming out. The stoic guardian was having trouble believing someone would even think about writing that.

"Need to see a dentist, Knucklehead?" Sonic was grinning from ear to ear as the echidna´s head snapped round to him.

"Sonic, if you wish to keep your teeth..."

"Come on, Knuxy, your nose is writing checks your fists can´t cash!"

Knuckles screamed incoherently.

":..I still wonder what oviparous meant..." muttered Tails.

They feed by tearing open soft logs, anthills and the like, and use their long, sticky tongue

Sonic made a sick face. "Remind me never to accept an invitation for dinner from you."

"'Long, sticky tongue'...now, Knuckles, what does that tell me about you...?" Rouge gave him another half-lidded look, taking a step towards him, while the echidna suddenly seemed very intent on keeping at least one bit of furniture between them.

"I have no idea what you´re talking about!"

"Don´t be so shy, Knux. After all, with coarse hair covering all of your body and that primitive air about you, you should be god´s gift to women...not to forget that sexy toothless jaw."

which protrudes from their snout to collect their prey.

"WILL YOU ALL STOP LAUGHING!" the guardian roared at everyone (except Cream who was quite confused by now).

"The tongue monster! Beware of the tongue monster with the killer nose!" A hysteric Sonic was even making 'spooky' hand motions to illustrate his point.

The four species of echidna are the only egg-laying (oviparous) mammals, known as monotremes.

"...w-what?"

Sonic was the first to recover. "Well, I guess everyone has to have something they´re famous for. I can run at supersonic speeds, Tails can fly, you produce omelettes..."

"You take that back!" Knuckles was actually shell-shocked. It made a twisted kind of sense, him never having met his parents, if that was true...

"Amy?" Cream tugged at the hem of the red dress inquisitively, trying to get the hedgehog´s attention. "Is Mr. Knuckles a chicken?"

The pink hedgehog shrugged. "Beats me. But actually I have sometimes been wondering whether that guy hasn´t hatched from the Master Emerald and got imprinted on it or something..."

Echidnas lay a single egg in a pouch on the female's belly.

The egg hatches in 10 days and the baby echidna is born blind and hairless.

"That´s gross, Knux. I mean, one would think that at least by now your looks would have improved."

"Well, at least I haven´t been born BRAIN-DEAD like some hedgehogs present!"

"Pouch-grouch." Sonic shot back, causing Cream to double over with laughter.

In a few weeks, the baby (called a puggle) develops sharp spines, and must leave the pouch.

"Puggle?!"

"That is SO CUTE!"

The only reason that prevented Knuckles from commiting suicide to escape the female squealing at this point was his duty as a guardian. That, and a strong wish of taking Sonic down with him if he went.

The mother then digs a nursery burrow and deposits the puggle.

The group looked at the echidna with horrid stares. "Your mother...buried you alive?!"

"What?! NO!"

Sonic shrugged. "Well, you know the fate of ugly Knucklings...",

Knuckles advanced threateningly.

"...even though they are abandoned at birth and their childhood is hard, they will eventually become a beautiful hedgehog!"

Sonic finished, jumping on the cupboard for safety. In closed quarters, strength had the advantage over speed and he knew very well that there would be hell to pay later.

"Come on Knuckles, you don´t have to go all primitve mammal because of just one little pun..." the 'beautiful hedgehog' continued as the guardian slowly took hold of one of the feet of the cupboard,

"I mean, I know that you must have serious psychological issues, your mom carrying you around in a bag and all, but stillaaaAAAh!" he finished, as a grunting Knuckles finally lifted the edge of Sonic´s safety place, letting the hedgehog tumble down to the floor. In an instant, the unfortunate hero found himself pinned down against the ground, a spiky hand closing around his throat and red knees pressing his arms down.

Tails, fearing for the safety of his friend, stopped reading.

"Now," the echidna started in a pleasant enough voice, (that nevertheless hinted at some very unpleasant outcomes if the request was denied) "will you cut it?!"

"I will, I will..." Sonic managed in between giggles, trying to breathe. "...otherwise you might collect me with your long, sticky tongue..." he felt his brain starting to run low on air now, but he managed the horribly alluring tone Rouge had used earlier nevertheless.

Knuckles reared backwards in disgust, flying off the prostrate hedgehog. "Sonic! That´s just plain sick!"

"Actually it´s not." Shadow noted, "It´s called 'Sonuckles' and quite a popular pairing."

"...what?" Everyone looked at the black hedgehog, bewildered expressions on their faces.

The Ultimate Lifeform shrugged. "I just wanted to say that there´s actually worse places for us to go than Wikipedia."

They considered this statement. An agreement never to enter the Internet again was reached soon.




Unimportant Side Note: The millionth article has actually been published in march. Sonic X is quite behind the times, isn´t it?

Please read and review!

[Fell]

Awww maaan It's done?!

Could we have a special chapter when Knux, and Sonic decide to work together and get their revenge on Tails for finding Wikipedia?

They look up foxes. >:]

[DededeCloneChris]

Interlude: Let´s raise the rating! - What Knuckles Never Wanted You to Know
,,You know...I sure wonder why there´s never anything...interesting in those articles." Rouge announced suddenly.

Everyone looked at her, surprised. The fun of the morning already lay hours back – it had stopped quite abruptly with Knuckles hunting Sonic down behind the stove and forcibly extracting the key from his quills (and indeed extracting some quills as well which he seemed to deem necessary). The echidna then proceeded to burst through the kitchen door, planning on venting his anger outside, which had taken the most part of the day.

The Mobians were wondering what the Thorndykes might think of the rearrangements Knuckles had made while taking out his fury – Cream at least thought the metre long trench the Guardian had burrowed through the tennis court an improvement since she could now "plant cute flowers!" where the earth was dug up.

Other than that, Knuckles usually had settled for just smashing up things he considered worthy of his strength and rage...the others just hoped the earthpeople wouldn´t mind some of their mountains missing.

Later, Sonic had held up a pouch and inquired whether crawling into it might make the guardian feel better since it could bring back childhood memories – and the anthropomorphs could be sure nobody would actually notice the mountains missing since a maniacally laughing hedgehog dodging car-sized boulders was quite a display by itself.

Naturally, everybody was by now quite tired (mortal combat can do that to you) and relaxing comfortably in the large soft armchairs and sofas in the living room where Amy had actually managed to get the ingle going. (Shadow had also offered to set something on fire but that proposal had been tactfully declined).

"What do you mean, 'interesting'?" the only other girl present asked with some retardation, stifling a yawn while doing so. Cream had already gone to bed and the pink hedgehog thought that that had probably been the wisest thing to do.

"Well, you know..." Rouge made a vague hand gesture and then grinned suggestively, "..the juicy stuff. 'Roar', if you get what I mean."

"Uhm, I´m not sure that we should...." Tails started, his cheeks already showing the first traces of a red tinge, but Knuckles interrupted him, chuckling: "Well, we already know that there can´t be anything about hedgehogs in that department, don´t we, Sonic? Hrhrhr..."

Sonic, although tired, straightened up immediately, indignant. "Oh, and you would know, right? You don´t even have a girlfriend."

"So? The only thing you have is a semi-stalker. And that weird Chris creature. I would watch out for him, his intentions concerning you seem to be somewhat strange."

"Knuckles!" Amy exclaimed, torn between crushing the exhausted and defenseless echidna underneath her mallet for insulting her or alternatively rushing off to terrify the human boy. If there was anyone stalking Sonic, it would be her! Eh...wait a moment, that was supposed to come out different...

"I, I just wanted to say, pay some attention to who´s listening, okay?" she finished somewhat confusedly. The guardian just smirked. "Why? Cream has gone to bed, right? And I think Tails is already old enough to learn some things. I mean, with that Thornthing boy around, he should at least know what could happen."

"Knux, stop it. I know you don´t like Chris, but that´s going too far. Look what you did to poor Tails!" Sonic had raised himself from where he was sitting and pointed accusingly at the fox cub, who was now busy hiding himself behind his two namesakes and trembling.

"Tails, calm down. Knucklehead is just trying to mess with your head." When that didn´t work, he added: "And Chris isn´t here anyway, okay?"

Sonic sighed as his friend finally lowered his guard and scowled at a snickering Knuckles.

"If I didn´t know better, I´d say you were drunk. Or, in your case, 'stoned'."

Silence.

"Oh, alright! Just don´t laugh your spines off while you´re at it!" Sonic threw his hands in the air, exasperated, and made to sit down again, but then a sly look came across his face.

"Well, then again, maybe there are few things we could explore...boot that laptop thingy again, will you, Tails?"

Rouge´s fangs were bared in a broad grin at that prospect, while the echidna suddenly looked very cautious at this turn of events and narrowed his eyes.

"What are you playing at now, hedgehog?"

Sonic folded his arms on the backrest of Knuckles´ chair and laid his head atop of them, smirking at the crimson guardian from above, one leg crossed in front of the other casually.

"Just what you suggested, Knux. Let´s find out some interesting stuff. Just a pity that the hedgehog article proofed to contain so little on this topic..." he let the sentence trail off into silence but every alarm bell was now starting to ring in Knuckles´ head instead.

"And that is supposed to mean...?"

Rouge too shot him now a higly amused look. "Don´t be afraid, darling. This night should be very educational for all echidnas present..."

"Eh..." a very small voice interjected from the other armchair, "I actually found a link to another site about echidnas where it says something about...about..." the voice became even tinier and the older Mobians could all see the tips of the orange-furred ears glowing bright red from behind the screen as he continued, "...e-e-echidna reproduction..."

"WellIthinkIshouldreallygotobednowifyouwouldexcusem-" Knuckles started and tried to raise hastily at the same time but a solid amount of albino bat suddenly in his lap prevented him.

"Now, Knuxy...you wouldn´t want to ruin this evening for us, would you?" she asked, batting her eyelashes innocently and bending towards him, making the echidna feel as if Shadow at last had found the hidden matches and was now using them happily on his chair.

"Yes, Knuxy, we would really like to have you with us tonight..." The guardian turned around and saw Sonic at his other side, also trying to bat his eyelashes and imitating Rouge by pursing his lips.

"You´re horrible, you know that?"

The hedgehog just grinned. "Yup, but you are too tired to smash my head in right now."

"Yes, and you two together look so cute in that armchair!" Amy piped up while addressing with a smile both Rouge and her prey. "Let´s make this a coupling night!" she added in a squeal, dragging Sonic down onto the couch next to the others.

"How about we don´t?" he asked without much hope (but nevertheless managing to gain at least some personal space back).

"Yes, let´s!" came the answer from Rouge, "And that means that you two would make a loving pair, too!" she giggled, indicating Shadow and Tails.

Shadow twitched.

Sonic and Knuckles looked at each other horrified while the two girls squealed.

"I think we should take those Japanese comics away from them." Sonic whispered.

Knuckles nodded, then added: "And we should question Chris why he has those in his room anyway."

Sonic just rolled his eyes. "Will you leave him out of this!" he hissed, then raised his voice to address Rouge. "And you, look what you done! Now his tails have gone all bushy!"

The bat and the pink hedgehog finally stopped giggling and looked at the young fox, who was indeed breathing very rapidly while all his fur stood on end.

"Hey, cutie, I was just joking. Calm down, right?" She asked in a soothing voice, before jerking her head towards Shadow, "Besides, I don´t think you´ve got to worry. He doesn´t seem to swing that way."

"If I had a Chaos Emerald right now, you would be dead."

"See? And if he did, he sure would be more interested in Sonic..."

Shadow twitched again.

"Eh, hey, how about we just read that article?" Sonic asked hurriedly, determined to steer the conversation out of those dangerous waters. Jeez, what is it with girls and that shone´n´high stuff?, he wondered.

Tails tried to get his voice under control and started to read.

The reproduction cycle


Echidna mating is mysterious and primordial.

"...as soon as I´ve got some rest, you will pay for that, Sonic."

"I think it sounds sexy." Rouge stated, shutting Knuckles under her up immediately.

It is also rarely observed, but the following seem to be the basics.

"You...you are not really going to read this, are you?" The guardian asked and Sonic noted with satisfaction the slight tremble in his voice.

"But of course we are. Unless, of course, you would care to demonstrate instead...?"

The hedgehog had not forgotten that particular gloveful of missing spines.

When the female goes into estrus, males, usually three or four of them, but sometimes as many as eleven, start following her around in a long single-file march called an echidna train (or even "echidna love train").

"...I will never, ever invite you to join a conga line with me again, Knux."

The guardian was trying to sink even deeper into his chair. Now he wished he was drunk.

It seems very civilized, though it can go on for as long as six weeks,

"Echidnas – the only caveman race who had already invented the stalker!" Sonic snickered, only to receive another glare from the guardian.

"Well, Sonic, as far as I know, Robotnik has been following you for more than six years, so think about that!"

during which time the otherwise solitary animals eat and sleep in each other's company, and the males nip the female's tail, which seems to be a kind of foreplay.

"Amy, if he ever tries anything funny with yours, you tell me, right?"

The pink hedgehog blushed and giggled, while Rouge took the opportunity to wink at Knuckles again. "You know, you could nip at my tail anytime..."

Somehow, the earth never seemed to split apart and swallow you up when you wanted it to.

Eventually the female echidna climbs partway up a tree,

Tails paused here and frowned in confusion. "Why does she do this?"

Sonic just grinned. "Well, li´ll buddy, if Knuckles was nipping at my tail, I´d sure be running up high objects, too."

"Yeah, and you better prepare for that tomorrow, hedgehog." The scarlet echidna grunted, humiliation already burning within him, only partially dulled by the sleepiness.

"Why? Will an 'echidna love train' attempt to run me over?"

or buries part of herself in the dirt, leaving the males to walk around and around her until they have created a circular rut in the ground.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...maybe they´re trying to set up a tent?" Amy ventured finally.

"Yeah, Knux, is that what you´re trying to do then?" Sonic asked over the giggling that was now overwhelming most of them, except the guardian himself;

"I dunno!" he snapped back, "You paste stuff on your spines, explain that!"

"Ooooh, temperamental. I like that." Rouge grinned again.

"He has mood swings", the austere voice of Shadow commented, "He might be going into estrus."

"I´m male, goddangit!"

Then they engage in a shoving contest. The males that get shoved out of the ditch acknowledge defeat and leave peacefully until only one, the best shover, is left.

"Would you enter a shoving contest for a gem like me, Knuxy?" Rouge asked again, making Knuckles curse his sweat glands for the umpteenth time this evening.

Amy immediately picked up on it and snuggled closer to a squirming Sonic: "And would you enter one for me, Sonikku? Would you? Would you?"

"Uh, Amy..." the hedgehog struggled some more, then shot a quick glance at the equally uncomfortably echidna, hissing, "If you ask me, we should shove them off our laps."

He gets to mate with the female. The male's primary reproductive organs and testis emerge only during the act of mating; the rest of the time he is indistinguishable from a female echidna.

"Knuckles, if you ever wanted to tell us something, now is the time." Amy suddenly looked at him concerned and the guardian was confused.

"Yeah, you know, we could understand it", Sonic continued, the edges of his mouth twitching just slightly, "lots of girls at some time want to be boys, so if your name is not actually 'Knuckles' but 'Natalie', we would-"

"Are you insane?!"

"Definitely estrus." Shadow muttered, while the rest of the room had just broken out in helpless laughter at the now incandescent echidna.

The echidna doesn't usually have a pouch but grows one as necessary.

"...what, like, when you go shopping or something?"

"That...that isn´t funny!" Knuckles barked back, who felt secretly terrified. If he ever...no. If that should ever happen, he would throw himself off the island, guardian duty or not.

After mating there is a gestation period of about three weeks, and then the female lies down on her back, doubles over, and lays her egg right into her own temporary pouch.

Sonic whistled. "Your race must have the most acrobatic girls I have ever seen." He pondered for a little while. "And you´re sure you´re –"

"YES!"

"Don´t worry." Soothed him Rouge, while sliding a white-gloved hand across his belly, "There´s no pouch yet and at least I´m sure you´re male."

Knuckles curled up in fetal position.

When the puggle starts to grow spines, the mother will bury it. (Echidnas are good diggers; if you startle one it will sink as if by magic into the ground.)

Sonic frowned. "The last time I startled Knuckles, he tried to sink his spikes as if by magic into my face. That encyclopedia sure is odd."

"What, you only notice that now?!" the echidna asked almost hysterically, his eyes bloodshot and his face nearly as pale as Rouge´s.

The hedgehog just rolled his eyes. "Jeez, Knux, don´t be such a girl about it...geddit?"

Knuckles breathed deeply. "The only thing worse than listening to this article is listening to your puns."

"Just trying to entertain. Never forget, the pun is mightier than the sword."

General groaning.

Every five to ten days she unburies it and lets it nurse for a while before burying it again. Keep in mind that the puggle is still somewhat fetal while this is going on.

"Hey Sonic, what´s 'fetal' mean?" wondered Tails again.

The hedgehog shrugged. "If you go by the context, 'traumatized' springs to mind."

The echidna is therefore "born" three times -- once as an egg, once when the egg hatches, and once when the puggle is evicted from the pouch and hidden by its mother.

The fox looked up from the screen. "That´s all." Almost to himself, he added, "Wow, that sure was educational..."

Knuckles, having heard that it was over, seemed to recover from his stupor. "I am glad that you think so, Tails. Now the next thing you can learn, if you watch closely, is one thousand and one way to skin blue hedgehogs –"

"Woah, woah, woah!" Sonic carefully edged away on the couch as the echidna was trying to get up from underneath the reluctant bat, "I´m afraid you can´t do that, Knux."

The guardian halted. "Why not?"

"...I don´t fight girls. Even if they are, you know, trains."

A few moments later, Amy and Rouge were gathered by the window, staring out into the morning mist.

"They look so cute when they fight."

"Uh-huh. And I love it when they are so sweaty afterwards..."

Both giggled, then turned away again.

Amy sighed dreamily. "Reading up on that stuff was a great idea, Rouge. The night was so romantic..."

"Thanks. But what to do now...?"

A sparkle came into the eye of the pink hedgehog. "Oh, I know. Tails should learn some more."

Rouge raised an eyebrow, while the little fox suddenly looked very nervous again. "What do you suggest?" asked the bat, curious.

Amy grinned. "After Shadow´s remark I investigated a little...have you ever heard of 'Cross-dressing'?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, the horror that is fanfiction leaks through once more. So, now that we´re all filled in on what young echidnas hitting puberty should know, the next chapter should be regular again, featuring a new species.
Credits: This time they go to the amazingly funny weblog "The Sorrows of Young Werewolf" where for some reason a lot of info about echidnas was included. And Knuckles should be glad, cause I haven´t even mentioned the strangest parts. XD

I hope I made you laugh and if you read, please review:)

[Fell]

*large applause*

*roars for more*

Nice one Chris!


;D

[Triforce_Luigi]

O_O

I hope young children never look at the last chapter. But otherwise good. Amy, Rogue, and Shadow have sick, sick minds... But it is true.

[thunderhero4]

whoa...talk about pg-13...who is this tarenea person?

[DededeCloneChris]

whoa...talk about pg-13...who is this tarenea person?

Who knows...

[The_Waddle_Dee_Knight]

LOL, great fan fic! :D I'm impressed by the amount of effort put into this. ;)