SEXY POKER REVIEW

[Macawmoses]

As always, my work appears on:

http://8th-circuit.com/?q=content/review-sexy-poker

Now then, the review:

The line "Hey mom, I'm going to go play with my Wii!" used to be oh so hilarious, but generally, innocent. Gameloft, a French company known for their mobile gaming prowess, opted to completely change the landscape of the Wii demographic - by offering Sexy Poker - a strip Poker/Blackjack title. Does this fall like the clothes, or does it come together nicely like your deepest fantasies?

I may as well just answer that outright. It falls. It fails. And it... blows? Or was that suck? I always get so lost. You have to come at the game in two different lights, as you would any strip poker foray. On one front, you have the women. Are they desirable? Is it worth paying for? On the other, you have the game itself - does it offer good play? Are the games easy to comprehend? Both questions I'd love to answer. To stave off you horndogs, I think I'll go to the gameplay first.

Which is remarkably terrible. In terms of Texas Hold 'Em (I really don't want to joke here), the gaming is solid at best. And even then, that's for someone with a detailed knowledge on the game. For those unaware of some of its finer details, say, a Full House vs. a Flush, you'll be left wondering why you didn't win. The game offers no help at all to newcomers, and really loses some of the feel of the game that has gotten Poker mainstream. Poker greats like Brunson would be ashamed to own this... especially with the lack of an "All In" feature, a chance to double your money. Instead, you'll be limited to $100 at a time.

Incredibly unfair, considering the ladies can strip their own clothes off for cash. Apparently you're not good enough for them. Even more troublesome is that it oft times feels incredibly static. Instead of the sense of chaos real gambling offers, this seems rigged. Hands, for a seasoned Poker player, are predictable. Go into Blackjack, and you'll find the most uncanny of matches with a cast that gets 21 faster than you can find porn through google. These issues culminate to form a game that is unplayable in any sense. Hell, the most important part of card games was ignored - the Multiplayer. I understand omitting, say, Wii Speak support, but there is no validation for cutting at least local multiplayer. Unless, of course, it's unusual for your mom to play strip poker with you? Nah.

Heading on over to the flip side, the girls are less than desirable. There's something like 6 of them, I don't know. I really wasn't paying attention. None of them are terribly memorable - beach girl, office worker, cop - and none are going to float many perverse boats. Besides, they only strip down to their lingerie (which accounts to a win for you). On top of that, the lines they offer up are cheesy to the max. So cheesy, I'm still laughing. "Oh, I'm all hot... and bothered". Oh, and did I mention you don't even have to PLAY the game to see the chicks? Yeah. Really, it's embarrassing to say I expected better. The saddest part is that the menus get me going far more than the girls, as presentation wise it is a solid game. It's simple, light, and gets the job done. Perhaps the biggest saving grace to it.

Ultimately, much like this review, Sexy Poker is a joke. At 5 dollars, you can buy a few decks of cards and get together with friends. Sure to bring more memories, particularly if they are amusingly drunk, then the 5 bucks you blew on Sexy Poker. Fans of Poker, such as myself, will continue to wait for the definitive WiiWare installment. Lady lovers won't find much enjoyment either, particularly if they are reading this, as I expect them to at least be familiar with Google. What could have been a solid, and offensive, Poker game turned into one of WiiWare's biggest letdowns. The sheer novelty of it makes it a worthy investment, the puns... "playing with your Wii" flow steadily, and it does show you have some brass balls. But buyer beware, it is far from a pile of fun.

Score: SPOGS Special (1.5/10)
Bonus: 2 Points as no game is as bad as SPOGS. Plus, I did chuckle a few times.

Overall: 3.5/10