The terrible SMG review!

[Chain Chompesque]

This was posted on GameFAQs a while back; it got removed, but it's quite a good read and covers all of Super Mario Galaxy's fatal flaws, including the fact that it's a Mario game (Read the whole thing and you'll see what I mean).


A few several weeks ago, I went into a store to by a gun since as an American I can have a gun. Inside I asked for SMG, and I got this game instead. This game is not a gun, in fact it does not even have guns; it has Mario. Mario is an old and often fat plumber man, but this time he's in space. This SMG which is not a gun lets Mario breathe in space and he has to fight Bowser. Oh no! This game is bad.

In this game of games you start by seeing Mario pretend to be a plane, but you don't get a wing cap. Peach is in her 3000th new castle and Bowser has a pirate ship. He takes he to this place where she sends Mario mushrooms and Mario goes to a dark observatory flying in space, where he can breathe.

To rescue yonder princess, Mario who can breathe in space has to get these fun yellow stars, except they aren't fun. Stars are hot and big and not five-pointed; they are balls of hot big gas. Why can Mario find them and pick them up? You get these stars and then can fight Bowser, who jumps around and breaks things on mini suns. Why does this game which isn't a gun not use new ideas, like fighting a person who isn't Bowser in not space? That would have been more fun.

This whole game is really not realistic at all. There are black holes which are kinda red which are everywhere, enemies live on tiny planets where they have no food, there isn't water on most planets except some which are only water, the same people and turtles and things are in the space as well as Earth or wherever these other Mario things are, and you can breathe in space. Mario can somehow jump and fly from the observatories to galaxies, but how? Our galaxy bulges in the middle 16,000 light years thick, you can fly across that? Nintendo didn't bother to make this game actually seem like it could happen, so you just go around space.

Also, what will the sequel be? If you go through many galaxies you must be in the universe, so where next? Will it be Super Mario Other Parts of the Universe or Super Mario Parallel Universe where everything is a shade of purple and Mario is a lemur? That's dumb.

See, in space you can move a lot. Actually you can't, since you can't breathe, and it's cold, and you die, but Mario should be able to move, but he can't. All the planets and things in the space are tiny and small and tiny, so you just jump a lot while finding coins which are in space, wherein Mario can breathe. In fact, space is like Earth in this game, since you have ghosts and penguins and those caterpillar things which get mad if you jump on head flowers. It's just like Earth, and there's no reason to be in space unless this was what happened in Ninty studios:

Shiguru: “I can't make a Mario game.”
Iwata: “Make it in space”
Shigururu: “I'll make it in space!”

And then he made SMG, which is not a gun, and is lame.

See, all the stars in a galaxy are a lot like the others, only sometimes you have to rescue green Mario. There isn't variety, since all the galaxies are like the other ones and you have to keep doing the same things many times. Stars don't take too long to get but you have to go along the same path many times until you're like “I've gone down the same path many times.” At the point, you go off and play a fun game.

This game is mostly SM64. They didn't want to actually change things, so they keep doing the same things. This time, though, they also stole from SMB3 and 1, since you have to jump over fire sticks, you get to shoot fire and have other lame powerups which you only use a few times, and you might as well have W-blue sky lives since Peach sends you letters with a lot of lives in them. When you fight Bowser it's even mostly SM64, but without keys. You just get bigger stars, which are the same as smaller stars. Why are they bigger then? I don't know.

You get those lives, and so you probably won't ever die, since the game is easy. The only times the game is hard is when you have to hold the remote in some weird way to ride a ball or do something weird, and even that is easy. In most of the levels, you'll just jump a lot and maybe press some switches or fight Bowser while breathing in space, but usually you won't.

Let's talk about multiplayer, except there isn't any. You can't go online because of some reason and if you buy a second controller and friend you can have him shoot star bits or make enemies not move, but he can't shoot them with not star bits. See, this game doesn't have any ways to kill things except two: you can jump or you can shake and dance and spin around and kill them. The first is lame, because how can people jump so high. Mario is fat, and he shouldn't jump, unless he has the super duper boots which let him do so and breathe in space. For the second, not only is it a ripoff of Dead Rising's Double Lariat, but it shouldn't work and makes Mario seem like he's decided to try Ballet. I didn't want to dance, I wanted to play a game, and I didn't want this game, but I have it, and I don't like it, because it's lame.

I don't know what else to say. The graphics are obviously bad, since this is a Nintendo game, and the sound is obviously bad, because people don't talk much and the game I think is MIDI. Maybe I should mention replay value, which this game has enough of not enough of. In other words, none. See, you only have a couple of stars, and you can play as a lamer guy and get the same stars again, but you can't go online and play Capture the Flag or jump on each other's heads many times. There aren't any achievements or unlockables or a level creator. There's no harder difficulty which would make the game actually hard, and nothing in this game was fun enough for me to say “I want to do this several times again” upon seeing.

Mario has been around for too long, and his games just aren't all that fun or new. Why doesn't Nintendo make new things and do fun things with them instead of doing the same things but now in space? The last fun thing Mario did was be in another dimension of three, but since then he's just played sports and carried around a water gun. Maybe he should do things that are fun, like not be in games any more. Ninty should make the next platformer game they make involve other and better things, like guns and online multiplayer.


Ahhh, I wish I knew what it meant.

[Tupin]

It's fake.

[Zovistograt]

I lol'd.

[Chain Chompesque]

It's fake.

Thank you, Captain Obvious!

[sonicdude164]

Hahaa that's hilarious

[Eizweir]

I lol'd.

[Miiman56]

Zomg If it was real I'd be so Freakin mad-He said Green Mario HIS NAME'S LUIGI :D

[LinkXLR]

Blatant 360 fanboy. They're the only ones with that level of extremely low intelligence.

I thought there was something fishy about it. :P

[Silverhawk79]

I lol'd.

[britneymahboy]

I'm guessing those mistakes were on purpose?lol

It was pretty funny though.

[StarWindWizard7]

I lol'd.

I too also, "lol'd".

[Húrin]

Honestly, I had more fun with this "review" then I did with Galaxy. :S