Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...

[Moriarty]

The following conversation took place 1 month, 1 week and 1 day ago on another forum. It's quite a long read, but very much worth it. Feel free to read in segments if you must, but I highly suggest getting this information to save the children, and inevitably, society as a whole:

Person 1:This has been bugging me for a few weeks. If Peter Piper did indeed 'pick' a pack of 'pickled peppers', doesn't that mean that he stole them? You can't pick "pickled peppers" - pickled peppers would be jarred, not in a field, and to 'pick' sounds like a slang or vernacular for 'to steal'. So, if you re-wrote it, you could say, "A man named Peter Piper stole one container of Pickled Peppers" At that point, does it really matter how many pickled peppers that Peter Piper picked, being that he's a thief and all? I don't know why the daycare is teaching this to my kids: training them to be thieves.

Person 2:... and to take the discussion one step further, you can't equal a peck to a jar. A peck is a rather large quantity of peppers. As such, a peck would likely equal several jars once pickled. The quantity of jars would be reflected by the size of each jar.

Person 1:So we're talking about this Peter Piper fellow actually breaking into a warehouse of some sort, where Pickled Peppers are stored, and actually taking something like a big rack of pickled Pepper jars - like the kind you see in Costco all wrapped up in cellophane. That really changes the whole thing, doesn't it? Funny how the little rhyme leaves out the potential breaking-and-entering aspect of the tale.

Person 3: That means he doesn't work alone.

Person 1:Or... he's breaking into a place and having a lot of time to get this giant 'peck' of pickled peppers. Maybe he actually works at the warehouse, and it's an inside job. Or he had an accomplice. This whole thing stinks to high heaven.

Person 2:I'm pretty sure he's un-jarring said peppers before his exit. Much easier to carry a peck of un-jarred peppers than it is to carry jars and all, and much quieter. By definition a piper is one who plays the bagpipe. This is an important piece of evidence. Bagpipes are most commonly found in Scotland, but this doesn't limit Peter to Scottish decent. Another important fact is that not many peppers are indigenous to Scotland. Is it an outside job? Does he travel? Is the fact that Peter is a Piper a lie? The Pied Piper played a flute, and was often portrayed with a following, usually children. This particular Piper hails from Germany, thus throwing another kink in the mystery. And on top of that, this Piper lured children into a cave, never to be seen again. Could these pipers have been the same person? Did the children from Hamelin, Germany live off of stolen pickled peppers?

We may never know the truth.

Person 1: We can theorize that the heist - of either numerous jar (or pecks) of Pickled Peppers occurred in Germany, or the German lowlands, by a person possibly of Scottish descent, with a musical background in woodwinds, by the name of Peter. Last name either unknown or 'Piper' (Piper may just be his occupation). He may or may not have had an accomplice. He may - based on literature - have an influence over children. It is possible that children facilitated this crime. Or, it's all a ruse - and organized religion is just an invention. What if Is Peter Piper is "St Peter"? Are the 'pecks of pickled peppers' Jews? Has he 'pecked' them away from Judaism to that new-fangled religion, Christianity?

Wow... this conspiracy gets deeper and deeper.

Person 2: All possible, but the theory of children in caves would lead me to believe that this is taking place in either Southern Germany (Alps), Austria, or Switzerland. I'll rule out Liechtenstein, the odds are against this country, due to geographical shortcomings. Chances are, Peter is from Scotland. He was convicted of child molestation in his early 20's. He spent some time in custody, but was released because the political issues of the time made his case seem less important to the elders/judges. He was extradited. With no job, he was forced to steal for his meals. Not unlike his asphyxiation with children, the stealing was largely addictive. He spent some time in Prague, where he studied music for 17 years. He taught a small music class in a town northeast of Prague. His pupils were most often children, which brought out some of his old habits. They are indeed hard to break. He was not imprisoned, but once again was shewed away. This led him to [Germany/Austria/Switzerland] where the stealing and kidnapping took place. False promises of a candy filled magical cave in foothills of the Alps along with the ever luring sounds of his pipes would put the unsuspected children in an unconscious daze. I believe that the children were raped and murdered, and you will not convince me otherwise without a pretty darn good story.

Person 4: Best guess is Germany or Austria - maybe the Czech Republic. It can't be easy to fence that stuff.

Person 1:Hear that? That's the sound of doves crying. I think we are on the apex of this mystery. Throw out The Czech Republic - too far east. If we only knew what the cave children wore, we could figure out if it's Austria, Germany, or Switzerland. What we need is some sort of police record from Scotland of convicted flute-playing child molesters who traveled to Germany to find cave children and steal. Unless, as your theory holds, he actually worked in Prague - then we need to find Scottish Nationals living in Prague (as teachers, perhaps) with criminal records for molestation.

Person 2:My research tells me that the only remains found in the caves were tiny wooden shoes. I was unable to attain Scottish police record.

Person 1:Wooden shoes screams Holland... maybe the kids were abducted from Holland to the lower part of Germany/Austria?

Person 2:My thoughts exactly. If he was taking children from southern Germany, and raping and killing them in southern Germany, his chances of being caught are greater. No one knows him in this German town, and the people of Holland are not looking in Germany........

wait a minute...

http://www.gvnet.com/childprostitution/Netherlands.htm

I'll be darned. He might have actually purchased the children with money obtained by the sale of stolen peppers.

Person 1:The scope of this crime is enormous. It's seemingly plausible that the Pickled Pepper crime was to facilitate his zest for the boys. I'm just sickened.

Person 2:I believe the word should be crimes. I want to know how many children there were. This is indeed a series of injustices that we cannot wholly fathom.
Robbery/stealing, child molestation, and murder might only scratch the surface.
One crime leads to another. ie. pepper stealing -> child molestation -> murder.

What's next? What was first? What do we not know about?

This guy is sick and needs to be stopped.

Person 1: We shall find this Peter, and the Pickled Peppers, and the CHILDREN!!

Person 5: I believe there is an accomplice involved.....a woodchuck if you will......

Person 2: Oh, you've opened a whole other can of worms.

Person 5: Yes, and the whole criminal enterprise is funded from........selling seashells. And by "seashells" I mean "smack" and by "smack" I mean "dope" and by "dope" I mean "drugs...in the shape of seashells".

Person 1:Don't get me started on that... I always said, "what kind of moron would sell seashells by the seashore? 'Ah.... no thanks, I shall not purchase seashells from you, but rather walk 3 feet and get my seashells gratis'". My wife says that the seashell girl is akin to the early bird getting the worm, meaning that she has already picked all the good seashells, and is now profiting from that. I don't buy that one bit - I just think she's a dumb ninny.

Person 3: That, or she's working for a smart piper.

Person 2:Well, I think that we have determined that the funds came from the sale of stolen pickled peppers, but I do believe that the seashells were being sold as a cover. A distraction from the real crime.

Too much to think about. It's a pepper thieving, child selling, molesting, seashell slinging, drug ring in southern Germany.

Person 4: You forgot the wood chucking.

Person 2:I haven't figured out where that comes into play.

Oh, the darn wooden shoes, of course. The kid's aren't from Holland. It's yet another genius move by the Piper.

Touché Piper.

Person 1:Is there a seashore close to Austria? If not, and this female is an accomplice, it's entirely possible that the Pickled Pepper heist occurred much further north. We could be looking in the entirely wrong place.

Person 2: Nope, you're looking at Croatia/Italy.

Person 1: Perhaps this is where the pickled peppers are brought to ship to America?

Person 6: Nitpicking.

Oh, yeah...and Humpty was pushed by a rival egg whose yolk had turned bad. You heard it here first.

Person 1: That's ridiculous! There's no proof to that, whereas this thread has accurately laid out the following:

A Scottish man living in either Germany or Austria (after schooling in Prague) steals Pickled Peppers from a warehouse in either Germany or Austria - and then transports the said stolen contraband to Italy - where a girl with a front business of selling seashells by the seashore fences them, and then transfers them to the US, where they are sold at a Woody's BBQ in Fernandina, FL for monstrous profits. The proceeds from said fencing by Peter Piper... if that is his real name... then are used to facilitate the purchase of children who live in caves and wear wooden shoes - near the German/Austrian border.

The whole scenario is similar to that Tom Hanks movie where he travels around the world trying to capture that guy who impersonates everyone... I believe it was called "Toy Story".

Person 2: Nicely summarized. I think that we have most of the puzzle pieces, now to find the true identity. We know that most of his work is hedged, so I would speculate that his name is not Peter at all. I believe that his name was actually Kade, a popular Scottish boy's name meaning 'from the wetlands'. From this I derived that he is likely from Caithness, as this community is known for its lochs. Fishing is one of the primary sources of income in Caithness, Kade's (Peter Piper's) home town. Fishing did not appeal to Kade, he was somewhat of a recluse. He felt outcast from society and became interested in the children of the community. Of course by interested, I mean attracted sexually to them. This is chapter one of a story that up until this point has no end. We discovered the edge-of-the-seat plot twists before we discovered the real Peter Piper, our compelling protagonist, Kade from Caithness, Scotland. We must press on toward the prize. Peter's capture.

Person 4: I think for the safety of the children this thread should be stickied as a public service announcement and so that updates can be posted readily.

Person 1: For the sake of the children, I may just do that.

Person 5: Can you just imagine how many children have been harmed over the centuries by this Peter Piper fellow? Won't anyone think of the children???

Person 6: Has anyone stopped to think about how many people starved to death due to the 'pecking' of the pickled peppers?

Person 2:I think that we have overlooked the second half of this fable. "...how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?"

How long has this gone on?

How many children?

THE CHILDREN!

Person 1 (Two weeks later): I put Dora The Explorer on for the wee ones, and who's the intercourse in' guest star in one of the vignettes? Peter Fucking Piper! This is completely out of hand!!!


The Children! Why won't anyone save the children??!!

_________________________________________________________________

Unfortunately, we never found this menace to society. If anyone has any new information, we'd like to know.

[Kilroy]

I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

Good read.

[Zovistograt]

The pheasant plucker, you forgot about the devious pheasant plucker.

[L10]

I got distracted by your avatar.....the sheep is missing from it.....

[Red]

That was amazing. Best read in a long time. Thanks for posting. :)

[britneymahboy]

Maybe, Peter is a Scottish immigrant--much like that lovely Craig Ferguson--and works at Costco picking up pickled peppers.  If this is the case, the term "peck" is very fitting because (ass we all know) Costco is a store that sells things in relatively large quantities.